Battling Porn In The Household

[Petey3]

Let me start out by saying this is my first time here. I came here seeking some advise and offering my solution. I have a 14 year old son who has just recently become interested in very mild porn. This is not tolerated in my house. I am very computer literate and can do many things to prevent this. The technical aspect of this really is no problem. I am seeking a more spiritual answer or advise. After discussing this with my wife we decided on the following course of action in hopes that with the Lords help he will overcome this. I have blocked all websites on his computer except lds.org While this current ban is in effect he is allowed to do homework and an assignment that we are giving him. He will spend no less than a week preparing a "paper" or article on the dangers or porn. He is going to do his research using only material from the church website. I do this in the hopes that he will understand the ill effect this can have on him. I know that this stuff is easy to access almost anywhere and I want to bolster him up rather than punish him. My question to you all is what have you done to combat this in your home? and what would you do?

[The Nehor]

I am not entitled to revelation on your behalf and could be way off but I think you might be going about this the wrong way.

If it is mild and just starting he can probably stop. Instead you are giving him assignments where he focuses on.....porn. If he has any kind of compulsion towards it you do not want to feed it by fixating it on porn right now.

I would suggest that if feasible you avoid having any computers in private areas of the house like bedrooms. This cuts temptation.

Try not to make a big deal of it. It is important he stop but making it mentally or emotionally difficult may mess with his head a bit which could have negative effects down the line.

[Calm]

That is a wise caution and should be one that is considered. I remember cases in my clinical psych classes where individuals would be so obsessed on controlling every little urge that they ended up thinking about the subject much more than they would have if they had just relaxed and instead focused on trying to find more productive ways of occupying their minds.

There is also evidence that suicide prevention techniques actually increase the number of suicides for some reason rather than decrease them, possibly because it causes people to think of suicide more than they would otherwise.

[EllenMaksoud]

Let me start out by saying this is my first time here. I came here seeking some advise and offering my solution. I have a 14 year old son who has just recently become interested in very mild porn. This is not tolerated in my house. I am very computer literate and can do many things to prevent this. The technical aspect of this really is no problem. I am seeking a more spiritual answer or advise. After discussing this with my wife we decided on the following course of action in hopes that with the Lords help he will overcome this. I have blocked all websites on his computer except lds.org While this current ban is in effect he is allowed to do homework and an assignment that we are giving him. He will spend no less than a week preparing a "paper" or article on the dangers or porn. He is going to do his research using only material from the church website. I do this in the hopes that he will understand the ill effect this can have on him. I know that this stuff is easy to access almost anywhere and I want to bolster him up rather than punish him. My question to you all is what have you done to combat this in your home? and what would you do?

In some cases, looking at porn and what follows is known to be a search for affection. Perhaps in homes that are too rigid and cold, the young are more vulnerable to it. Looking back at my time as a parent, I would have been much more physically affectionate with my children and admonished my husband to do the same. Television and magazine racks can be a huge problem.

Each time I have been out of the US to a third world country and returned, my first look at the nearly naked on the magazine covers sharply reminds me of the blatant hedonisim in America.

[EllenMaksoud]

That is a wise caution and should be one that is considered. I remember cases in my clinical psych classes where individuals would be so obsessed on controlling every little urge that they ended up thinking about the subject much more than they would have if they had just relaxed and instead focused on trying to find more productive ways of occupying their minds.

There is also evidence that suicide prevention techniques actually increase the number of suicides for some reason rather than decrease them, possibly because it causes people to think of suicide more than they would otherwise.

There is also great evidence that drugs like Ritalin increase the incidence of suicide. And as in my case, it was found that drugs meant to relieve depression actually exacerbated the problem.

[Kevin Christensen]

Here's a repeat of something I recently posted on another thread, with a little extra.

This article in Psychology Today points out the difficulty in observing the effects of pornography use in the absence of a control group that does not use.

http://www.psycholog...porn-experiment

Devastated by sexual performance problems or other crippling symptoms (such as morphing sexual tastes, loss of attraction to real mates, and uncharacteristic desire to isolate), users are taking the initiative. They are conducting their own counter-experiments by the thousands. By stopping porn use and sharing their "findings" publicly, these guys are, in effect, the missing control group of non-porn users that researchers say they can't produce. (In 2009, when researcher Simon Lajeunesse attempted to investigate the effects of Internet porn on college guys, he couldn't find any who weren't using it.)

Why do control groups matter? Imagine if all guys started smoking heavily at age 10 and there were no groups who didn't. We'd all assume lung cancer was normal for guys.

I've become the Addiction Recovery Representative for my Stake. From that vantage point, I can see that the church is taking this sort of thing seriously as an addiction, and treating addiction as a disease rather than as a shaming label, and is striving to organize and provide 12 Step Recovery practices and groups. It can be difficult in places where the membership is spread out as much as we are in the East, but the effort to build shows a real committment to the idea and recognition of the need.

IMHO, aversion therapy attempts to use Skinnerian Behaviorism theory to try to point an addiction in a socially approved direction, rather than dealing with the real brain damage caused by the addiction.

One of the first things I like to share with people is this, from Donald Hilton, M.D.

http://scottwoodward...ornography.html

Why is it important to understand that compulsive pornography use is an actual addiction? By recognizing this, we will treat it with the respect required to overcome an addiction.

The LDS sponsored combating porn website does have some very good, very well informed material. One thing that a parent should know that studies have shown that two crucial ingredients for pornography addiction are shame and secrecy. The reason that 12 Step groups are so helpful is that they provide a place of support where they can talk about their experiences without being shamed and can let go their secrets. Working the 12 Steps should be a positive activity. It's not just a matter of piling on negatives of "Don't!" and "Shame on you if you fall."

FWIW

Kevin Christensen

Bethel Park, PA

Edited February 7, 2013 by Kevin Christensen

[Garden Girl]

Hello Petey3...

I'm not a parent and have never faced this problem... however, I tend to agree that from your original post it seems like you have taken a sledge hammer when a small mallet would be sufficient. It sounds like you've already blocked your son's computer and given him his assignment. It would be difficult to ease up on that now. If this was just beginning and was "very mild," it seems a bit of an overkill. I can understand your wanting to nip this quickly, but what do you follow this with if it doesn't work? I would think a good heart to heart discussion where you sit down with him and really discuss this together, with backup from some of the articles on why porn is harmful from Church leaders, etc.

But like I said, I'm not a parent...

GG

[3DOP]

Let me start out by saying this is my first time here. I came here seeking some advise and offering my solution. I have a 14 year old son who has just recently become interested in very mild porn. This is not tolerated in my house. I am very computer literate and can do many things to prevent this. The technical aspect of this really is no problem. I am seeking a more spiritual answer or advise. After discussing this with my wife we decided on the following course of action in hopes that with the Lords help he will overcome this. I have blocked all websites on his computer except lds.org While this current ban is in effect he is allowed to do homework and an assignment that we are giving him. He will spend no less than a week preparing a "paper" or article on the dangers or porn. He is going to do his research using only material from the church website. I do this in the hopes that he will understand the ill effect this can have on him. I know that this stuff is easy to access almost anywhere and I want to bolster him up rather than punish him. My question to you all is what have you done to combat this in your home? and what would you do?

Your boy might already be extremely embarrassed that you have found out. Try to put yourself in his position. He may not need to be persuaded of how damaging this activity can be. Does he have faith? Unless he rejects your faith he probably has guilt already. He might be filled with remorse but ashamed to express it to you. He should know that his parents love him and so does God. I am not LDS so I don't know what formal steps can be taken to obtain forgiveness and resolution from God. We go to confession, the priest pronounces God's forgiveness, gives a penance, maybe some advice and then it is gone forever. It is in the forgotten and forgiven past. No need for further discussion. That is the goal. I know you don't have the same vehicle, but that is where you want to get it seems to me. When you get to that place, you are very aware of God's love and you don't want to fail again. It helps bolster you against the next temptation.

Make the occasion for the activity difficult in your home. If it continues somehow, it doesn't seem like it has to mean he disagrees with you or the Church about it. This is not a problem in the intellect to be solved by learning. It is a problem of desire that is solved by loving something better. His intellect and will are conflicted. His learning is probably fine but he is loving something harmful. Many of us guys have disordered and illicit desires in this direction and if we don't take steps to curb ourselves we will fall. It wouldn't hurt for him to know that he is far from alone with this. Poor boy. Its easy to stumble in this world, but God is longsuffering and forgiving. He knows our frailties. God bless your boy and you too.

"A just man falleth seven times and riseth up again."

3DOP

Edited February 7, 2013 by 3DOP

[TAO]

It's between your son, you, your spouse, and the bishop.

Also, ARP is great.

[Calm]

And as in my case, it was found that drugs meant to relieve depression actually exacerbated the problem.

I had the same problem but then I wasn't actually depressed, just sleep deprived and the drugs fooled around with the wrong neurotransmitters and ended up making the imbalance worse, not better....sigh.

I have read of recent studies that warnings that drugs may make teens and youth more suicidal than adults may be unfounded so I don't think people should be fearful to take drugs to help with depression, just careful...and don't just rely on drugs, but see if you can follow up with cognitive therapy as well.

Edited February 7, 2013 by calmoriah

[thesometimesaint]

There is also great evidence that drugs like Ritalin increase the incidence of suicide. And as in my case, it was found that drugs meant to relieve depression actually exacerbated the problem.

Then you used the wrong ones. Any suicidal ideation associated with drug use is a serious concern. It usually takes 3-4 different patient drug trials that someone finds what really works for them. As calmoriah said: "Follow up with cognitive therapies".

[Calm]

It usually takes 3-4 different patient drug trials that someone finds what really works for them. As calmoriah said: "Follow up with cognitive therapies".

And this is why you need specialist help because regular gps have limited experience with variations, including mixing drugs to come up with the right 'cocktail' for a particular patient. Nor in my experience are they good at followup. I understand that patients need to be proactive, but I do think when dealing with emotional issues where people are less likely to seek help that need it (anxiety and depression for example), that doctors should have at least their nurses calling patients every couple of weeks at least at the beginning to see how they are handling the drug. Edited February 7, 2013 by calmoriah

[thesometimesaint]

Agreed.

[EllenMaksoud]

Then you used the wrong ones. Any suicidal ideation associated with drug use is a serious concern. It usually takes 3-4 different patient drug trials that someone finds what really works for them. As calmoriah said: "Follow up with cognitive therapies".

You will never convince me that prescription drug use at the level I have seen is a solution. Prescription drugs are the new gold rush, and there is just lots of money to be had off of many hapless victiims. You do know that Doctors and Counselors get money off the drugs they prescribe, right?

So, getting back to the use of porn, what do we do about what Kevin Christensen mentioned? No control groups? This agrees with what I have seen; I raised three children of my own and had their friends in our house and heard the things they said.

So, a son, or even a daughter, has a passing experience with something we see as unwholesome. What do we do to prevent it going from casual encounter to addiction? Personally, I think that shame is a lousy solution. A loving discussion about the subject is good. Keeping young males to busy to get involved in it is good. That is what they have so many youth activities for. And, remember, what is good for adults is also tempting to children. They will do what you do. There really is no such thing as "Adult" activities.

[Calm]

You do know that Doctors and Counselors get money off the drugs they prescribe, right?

Not for prescribing and not all doctors (though apparently over 17,000 of them), but for other things that patients should still be told about like promoting the drug to other doctors through speaking engagements and participating in research.

http://abcnews.go.co...11929217&page=2

http://thechart.blog...drug-companies/

You can see if your doctor is one of them: http://projects.propublica.org/docdollars/

One of my doctors got reimbursed for meals....

Edited February 7, 2013 by calmoriah

[Mark Beesley]

Let me start out by saying this is my first time here. I came here seeking some advise and offering my solution. I have a 14 year old son who has just recently become interested in very mild porn. This is not tolerated in my house. I am very computer literate and can do many things to prevent this. The technical aspect of this really is no problem. I am seeking a more spiritual answer or advise. After discussing this with my wife we decided on the following course of action in hopes that with the Lords help he will overcome this. I have blocked all websites on his computer except lds.org While this current ban is in effect he is allowed to do homework and an assignment that we are giving him. He will spend no less than a week preparing a "paper" or article on the dangers or porn. He is going to do his research using only material from the church website. I do this in the hopes that he will understand the ill effect this can have on him. I know that this stuff is easy to access almost anywhere and I want to bolster him up rather than punish him. My question to you all is what have you done to combat this in your home? and what would you do?

Keep the kid so busy doing other stuff that he has no time for looking at any kind of porn. Mow the lawn. Dig a ditch. Paint the house. Work is the cure to most problems where idleness is the cause.

[thesometimesaint]

You will never convince me that prescription drug use at the level I have seen is a solution. Prescription drugs are the new gold rush, and there is just lots of money to be had off of many hapless victiims. You do know that Doctors and Counselors get money off the drugs they prescribe, right?

So, getting back to the use of porn, what do we do about what Kevin Christensen mentioned? No control groups? This agrees with what I have seen; I raised three children of my own and had their friends in our house and heard the things they said.

So, a son, or even a daughter, has a passing experience with something we see as unwholesome. What do we do to prevent it going from casual encounter to addiction? Personally, I think that shame is a lousy solution. A loving discussion about the subject is good. Keeping young males to busy to get involved in it is good. That is what they have so many youth activities for. And, remember, what is good for adults is also tempting to children. They will do what you do. There really is no such thing as "Adult" activities.

And the undertaker profits from your death. So you either pay me to help or you pay the butchers bill. Your choice.

My wife and I raised our three boys, and are currently raising our nephew. They are going to look. It is our responsibility to teach them correct principles, then let them govern themselves. We can't wrap them in cotton gauze forever and expect them to make wise moral choices when they finally leave the home.

Of course they'll be tempted. A secure password and use of the History button helps but is no cure all. Show them a positive example by being the type of parent you want to be. Have such a good relationship with your spouse and them. That when they do look they reject the dehumanizing over sexualized effects of pornography.

[Garden Girl]

I don't envy parents today who are trying to raise children with a strong morality. The prevalence of porn is bad enough, but I'm also appalled at the casual attitude regarding sex in general, i.e., in the movies, in songs, conversation, dating, fashions... everything is sex... wear the right lipstick and you are sexy... dress the fasionable way and you can be sexy... go to a movie and see the casual treatment of having sex with someone you just met, and on and on and on...

For parents, perhaps the following can be of help both in regard to porn and sexiness... I can never remember the exact title (someone help me out here), but several years ago Jeffrey Holland gave a fireside on why... why it is important to live the Law of Chastity. He explained it openly and frankly... not just the no, no , no that is generally given, but the why. That's what young people need to know. I think the title was something like _____ and Sacraments... they made a booklet out of it IIRC. Anyway, I recommend it for adults and youth alike... It really was the first time I'd heard such a reasoned, compelling reason for the Law of Chastity. It could also apply to porn...

GG

[EllenMaksoud]

Keep the kid so busy doing other stuff that he has no time for looking at any kind of porn. Mow the lawn. Dig a ditch. Paint the house. Work is the cure to most problems where idleness is the cause.

Yes, and YOU do things with him. Be encouraging, and make him want to be like you. Listen to him with out judging. It takes a while for kids to work things out and he needs your input. If you have questionable things hidden, throw them out.

[Calm]

I don't envy parents today who are trying to raise children with a strong morality. The prevalence of porn is bad enough, but I'm also appalled at the casual attitude regarding sex in general, i.e., in the movies, in songs, conversation, dating, fashions... everything is sex... wear the right lipstick and you are sexy... dress the fasionable way and you can be sexy... go to a movie and see the casual treatment of having sex with someone you just met, and on and on and on...

For parents, perhaps the following can be of help both in regard to porn and sexiness... I can never remember the exact title (someone help me out here), but several years ago Jeffrey Holland gave a fireside on why... why it is important to live the Law of Chastity. He explained it openly and frankly... not just the no, no , no that is generally given, but the why. That's what young people need to know. I think the title was something like _____ and Sacraments... they made a booklet out of it IIRC. Anyway, I recommend it for adults and youth alike... It really was the first time I'd heard such a reasoned, compelling reason for the Law of Chastity. It could also apply to porn...

GG

Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments?

[Petey3]

The main idea about why I am having my son do this is that I want him to read alot about what the general authorities have said on the matter. This is not the first time he has been caught doing this. He is aside from this a very good young man. My hope is that through doing all this research he will gain an understanding and the courage to resist it. I would love it if I could have him keep busy by working him but that option is in my mind avoiding the subject. Plus we live in military housing and we can only do so much here. What I want him to do is to learn and gain a testimony. As he does this he will build his own defense and be able to resist whenever he is tempted. Because the internet filters in my house only extend to what is in my house. This will help him wherever he is. This isn't a punishment it is a teaching tool. I agree that if this was the first time it would be extreme. But it isn't and I want to stop this before it becomes a habit. This appeals to his spiritual nature and he respond well to this.

[Garden Girl]

Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments?

Yes, thanks Cal... I do recommend this to parents of teens to help them...

GG

[Tacenda]

I don't envy parents today who are trying to raise children with a strong morality. The prevalence of porn is bad enough, but I'm also appalled at the casual attitude regarding sex in general, i.e., in the movies, in songs, conversation, dating, fashions... everything is sex... wear the right lipstick and you are sexy... dress the fasionable way and you can be sexy... go to a movie and see the casual treatment of having sex with someone you just met, and on and on and on...

For parents, perhaps the following can be of help both in regard to porn and sexiness... I can never remember the exact title (someone help me out here), but several years ago Jeffrey Holland gave a fireside on why... why it is important to live the Law of Chastity. He explained it openly and frankly... not just the no, no , no that is generally given, but the why. That's what young people need to know. I think the title was something like _____ and Sacraments... they made a booklet out of it IIRC. Anyway, I recommend it for adults and youth alike... It really was the first time I'd heard such a reasoned, compelling reason for the Law of Chastity. It could also apply to porn...

GG

I have a video of this! I showed it to the YW several yrs. ago as a Sunday lesson. I remember trying to make it fun with goodies etc. They chilled on the floor and watched, I can't remember why, maybe had too many in the room for chairs. But do remember purchasing this from the distribution center I believe. I still have it. I'll double check the name.

[rpn]

1) I'd have to know how he was introduced, and what it does for him. Lots of young people are caught up in "I need to find out about this so I can understand what my peers are talking about" and "I don't want anyone thinking I'm gay and if I refuse to look, that's what they will say." Make sure he knows the basics (and also how porn isn't real, and how his viewing it will be hard to remove from his memory forever, so he must not put it there in the first place.

2) He can read all about porn being bad, but that isn't what is critically important. Better to teach him that he came to earth to get a body and learn to use it in submission to God's will, having gone as far as he could progress without one. His job is to learn to control all of his body parts (tongue, ears, eyes, mouth arms and legs), his appetites, desires, passions (not just related to intimacy, but also for sports or food or video games, etc.) so they are in service to His God (which means he'll need faith in God). The earlier he teaches himself to be in charge of his body, the easier the rest of his life will be. And Satan is particularly interested in tempting him away from that self-control and self-discipline in matters of intimacy because those parts of our bodies are uniquely part of creation and of making the eternal family. So messing it up has lots of potential to derail multiple humans. So the question is, where is he on the path to self-control and using his body for the purpose it is intended. And how is he going to get complete mastery of it. If you don't know the source of his interest, you can't very well help him move away from it.

[Petey3]

Tacenda - I would love to see this talk with my sons. That message is what they need to hear.

RPN - I totally agree with you on this. I am looking at in the light of we all have weaknesses. This one is his weakness and learning how to control these feelings and urges will make him even stronger than he is. Once he realises that this is his weakness he can concentrate on making that weakness become strong.