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Feel Like Looking For A Needle In A Hay Stack


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I remember when I was 13, there was this girl I really liked, we were close, we were like boyfriend and girlfriend, but our interactions were purely harmless, we respected the law of chastity and ourselves. One day I told her I loved her, and then everything went south. As I have gotten older I have looked back and thought, "You know, that was very wise of her!" Oh sure it hurt and it was hard but really it was for the best.

After that I decided I wouldn't date till after my mission, my reasoning was simple and well intentioned, I wanted to wait till I could freely get attached to someone before I repeated that mistake again. Well the road to hell is paved with good intentions, my mission came and went and suddenly I found myself no longer bound by that idea. The problem was that I had and still have a very bitter resentment of my peers in the church. Growing up I has harassed and bullied by the bishop’s son and his cronies, I had the miss fortune of being in a very cliquish ward for most of my life.

So I reasoned to myself that I needed to get an education before I got married so that I could support a family. Again my intentions were good but misplaced.

Then I joined the Army and after arriving at my first duty station was told I would be deploying in six months, so yet again I reasoned "I can't date till my deployment is done".

Eventually I had an epiphany, I realized that I had been making excusess and frankly continued to do so until a while Ago. I was afraid of marriage, I saw nothing good about it, then I read a book called "What I wished I'd known before I got married" by Gary Chapman. Suddenly here it was all spelled out, the common problems married couples encounter and what to do about them.

Since reading this book and a few others I have done and 180 about getting married but now face a dilema: I'm 30 going on 31 and feel like I'm looking for a needle in a haystack. Most LDS women in the church have married by now. All that is left (or so it seems) are the ones who don't want to get married and or have been married and are now bitterly divorced, etc.

I am man enough to admit that I did this to myself, I was stubborn and had to learn the hard way, now that I have grown to the point that I desire marriage I fear that it is too late. I does not mean that I am going to use that as another excuse but I fear that it's going to make my work that much harder.

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Hello Real Enigma...

Please... please let this old lady send you heartfelt encouragement to go before the Lord... pour out your heart to him... what your fears were and now how you are desirous to marry... ask the Spirit to be with you that you will be able to find a special person that will become your eternal companion. (There are thousands of faithful LDS women who would just love to have someone like you... don't settle for anything less than someone who is also faithful LDS... keep the Spirit with you... walk a righteous path and I have faith that you will be blessed). Yes, it may take a little longer, but be patient. Try and place yourself in situations where you will meet single LDS women, even if you have to change locations, or enroll in institute, etc.

Now I'm going to talk plainly to you... don't just look for the "pretty" girls, or the most popular. Don't overlook a "plain Jane" so to speak. Be willing to get to know and date someone who at first may seem quiet or shy. Maybe she has a few extra pounds... maybe she wears thick glasses. I speak from experience... when I was in high school I was very active in school activities and ran with what could be considered the "popular" crowd. Most of the boys I dated were also active in sports, student council, etc. Then I went to BYU as a freshman... The boys from Helaman Halls ate in our cafeteria and I had the opportunity to meet and eat with many of them. I soon learned that those who weren't the best looking or the most popular relied on other things, like they had developed a wonderful sense of humor and personality... even the shy ones. I came to appreciate a fellow for who he was when given a chance to open up... I had a fantastic time and grew in maturity myself... and when I went home I planned on returning... but then I met the man who would become my non-LDS husband (a whole 'nother story) for 38 years...

My point is... be open... stay faithful... and I believe you will be blessed... Good luck...

from the beach on a sunny afternoon with "snow down to the valley floor" predicted... which usually means we will get some here on the coast...


Edited by Garden Girl
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I wouldn't characterize all women over 30 in those terms! ha! some just haven't met the right guy yet, some are shy, some just don't want to get married, some have been engaged and broke it off, some date and date and date and some live in areas where there isn't a huge LDS population-like me, but I am not a women so don't get the wrong idea

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There really are plenty of single women who are your age. It is true that some of them have given up counting on having a spouse, and have invested a lot in living a fulfilled life in a different way than they had planned. So don't expect the same ease you might have had when you were younger and a recent RM. OTOH, the whole, competent woman in her own right, can make the relationship itself much richer and not nearly so scary for you. (Of course she may make more money than you and she may be very afraid at the idea that she will stay home with children, on the chance that you will be a good provider and she can always count on you --- by the time you are thirty you know lots of women who are divorced after once having thought that way.)

They might not be attending the single events (because at 30 it is hard to fit in either of the singles groups, and many places don't have enough for a mid-singles group. Tell your college roommates you are still in touch with, your extended family, your home teachers, your friends that you will go on a 30 minute date with anyone they suggest. (That may be all the time the women in this group want to spend on a blind date either. Always make it for hot chocolate or something else that can turn into a date but isn't one until you both decide it is worth it.) Join your ward choir, volunteer to do child care for the RS meetings or clean up.

Not a needle in a haystack. Just not the way you would have done it 10 years ago. You'll get there.

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