Amelia Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Three lawyers and an accountant walk into a bar.You'd think one of them would have been smart enough to duck. Link to comment
Amelia Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Link to comment
Popular Post Nathair/|\ Posted October 29, 2011 Popular Post Share Posted October 29, 2011 Mistaken Assumption An man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersectiion with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." 6 Link to comment
Amelia Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 That's a great one. I gotta steal it! Link to comment
Amelia Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Q: How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. There never was a light bulb... Link to comment
Amelia Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Q: How many Censors does it take to change a light bulb?A: One to ---- ------- ----- and another to ---- ----- ---- while ---- ---- - - -----with a ------. Link to comment
Amelia Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." Link to comment
blackstrap Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 How many (insert favorite ethnic group) does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 3,one to hold the light bulb and two to turn the chair.How many relief society ladies does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: five,one to change the bulb and four to make refreshments. Link to comment
Amelia Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Is that a zen joke?What's not there is as important as what is? Link to comment
KevinG Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 How many congressmen does it take to outlaw a light bulb?(Oops thats not a joke - its political) Link to comment
One Clear Voice Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 If you pick up 26 students from the School, drop off 10 at the first stop, 9 at the second stop 3 at the third stop and 4 at the last stop who is driving the bus? Link to comment
One Clear Voice Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 How many congressmen does it take to outlaw a light bulb?(Oops thats not a joke - its political)It is funny though, sad too. Link to comment
Amelia Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 I'm afraid my favorite elephant joke might not fly here, so I'll skip to .....Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires.Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks. Link to comment
Amelia Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?Anything you want, it can't hear you. Link to comment
altersteve Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 So there are three sisters. The oldest one goes to her father and asks, "Dad, why did you and Mom name me Lily?""Because when you were born," the father replies, "a lily pad fell on your head."The second oldest girl asks, "Why was I named Rose?""Because when you were born," the father replies, "a rose pedal fell on your head."Then the youngest girl mumbles incoherently. The father leans forward, asking, "What did you say, Cinderblock?"...I know, it's mean. But it's the greatest joke in the world. 2 Link to comment
firepatch36 Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?A stick 2 Link to comment
DarkScythe Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 a man walks into a bar, the bartender ask, "do you want to hear the lamest joke in the world?" the man says, yes. The bartender said, " A man walks into a bar." Link to comment
Amelia Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Why shouldn't you stand under a tree in a storm?Because birds don't fly when it rains. 1 Link to comment
Anijen Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 "Some people are like a slinky, not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs." Link to comment
Ron Beron Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."Love it. 1 Link to comment
Avatar4321 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 What's big and red and bad for your teeth?A brick 1 Link to comment
TAO Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 (edited) What's big and red and bad for your teeth?A brickOh No! I'm out of reputation points!(Does this post count as a joke?) Edited November 4, 2011 by TAO Link to comment
Nathair/|\ Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 The Ancient Goddess Barbi: Historical Views from the Year 5000 by Link (Anthony) Author's Note: Read this only if you consider laughter a sincere form of worship!) In the year 5000, historians will seek to patch together traces of the past, to discover what life was like in today's current era. Here's one humorous view of what they might find:We are proud to announce that archaeologists have made a major discovery explaining religious practice in the 1990's, over three thousand years ago! These discoveries help us better understand the myths and traditions which have been handed down over the years, and still survive today within the popular cult of the Goddess Barbi. This tradition is one of the fastest growing groups of modern-day Goddess worship. Archaeologists have discovered that Barbi worship dates back to ancient times. Figures of the Goddess Barbi have been unearthed, preserved in nearly pristine state. It seems that ancient worshippers made their images of Barbi in a material known as plastic. It was known at the time that plastic did not decay to the elements over time and was nearly everlasting! Because of this, it is obvious to our research team that those items made of plastic were held in the highest regard by the ancient culture of the 1990's. They surely wanted to preserve these items for eternity! Research shows that ancient priestesses of Barbi were initiated at a very young age. The initiation ceremony involved a complex litany which lasted several weeks, usually prior to the Winter Solstice. Young daughters would chant at length to their parents, repeating over and over the praises of Barbi, stating their desires for the Goddess to enter their lives. While these chants varied from priestess to priestess, the words "I Want" are common to many of the evocations. Later, after initiation, additional chants focused on a wide variety of magical tools and altar accessories used by the Goddess Barbi in Her temple. Images of the Goddess Barbi show Her in many aspects. For example, She was portrayed as a Solar Deity in Her Malibu Barbi aspect. This explains the modern-day custom of Barbi worshippers donning colored glasses and anointing themselves with special protective lotions to celebrate the Summer Solstice! It is known that ancient religions sometimes masked their Deities within the Saints of ancient Catholicism. Researchers are certain this explains the name used for an ancient west coast village known as Santa Barbara, perhaps a Mecca for Barbi worshippers. Each Barbi figurine also held strange numerical markings, $24.99. This explains the current custom where Barbi worshippers tattoo themselves with this number! It was obviously the number most sacred to the Goddess. The $ symbol was used in many ways by the ancient culture, and was considered both a scourge and salute to religious society. It was also discovered that ancient Barbi had a consort known as Ken. Close examination of plastic Ken figures explain why today's modern Barbi worshippers allow only eunuchs to participate in religious rites, with no other males allowed. Since many fewer Ken figures were found, we can assume that the ancient Barbi worshippers were a matriarchal tradition. Our team of linguistic researchers have determined through study of the ancient language that Ken was renowned in many parts of the world. This explains the origins of ancient places like Kenya, Kentucky and even the variation of Canada. An in-depth study of the Ken mythos also links Him to the ancient clan known as Kennedy. Note the amazing facial similarities! Stories surrounding this ancient Kennedy cult seem to be a unique mixture of the "slain God" stories (similar to the Egyptian Osiris) and the revelry of the Roman Bacchus. This seems to fit all three aspects of the Triple Kennedy myth. Other research shows a related figure, an ancient warrior God known as GI Joe. Since GI Joe had no known female consort, and was also a eunuch, it is obvious that both Joe and Ken competed for the Goddess Barbi. One theory links this to the surviving Oak King/Holly King myths of earlier times. Researchers also uncovered other mythical characters, known as Shakespeare, Einstein, Gandhi, and Ralph Nader. But since the ancient culture held these in much lower relative importance than Barbi, they obviously were mere minor demigods of the era. We are thrilled to have discovered these Old ways, since they shed light upon many unexplained traditions of today. We can use this clear view of history to put our present-day customs in perspective! After this significant success in discovering the ancient Barbi myths, our archaeological efforts have been approved for additional funding to research the ancient Ninja Turtle myths as well. Since many plastic artifacts of the Ninja Turtles have been found in North America, perhaps they are linked to the ancient Native American cultures of Turtle Island? Only time will tell. Link to comment
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