What About Love, Don'T You Want Someone To Care About You?

[Kenngo1969]

Yes, I know on-line relationships are fraught with perils, including (but not limited to):

People misrepresenting themselves;

Predators using the Internet to facilitate their predations; and,

Relationships which go swimmingly on line crashing and burning once the parties meet in real life.

My questions are simply these:

1. Do you think it’s possible to fall in love with someone you met on line?

2. With the above caveats in mind as well as others too numerous to mention, do you think it’s wise?

3. If you don’t mind sharing, has it ever happened to you?

4. What role did the Spirit play in your relationship?

5. How did the relationship develop, for example, how long did your correspond/on what subjects/etc.?

6. What medium facilitated your contact (e.g., LDS Promise, Match.com, E-Harmony, et cetera)?

7. How much distance was between you?

8. At what point did you meet in real life?

9. What ultimately happened to the relationship?

10. Is there anything you’d care to add?

Let the games begin!

Thanks fer playin’!

[TAO]

1. Yes.

2. Maybe, maybe not.

3 - 10. Sorry, I haven't done such =/.

I heave heard very mixed messages in terms of online dating. Both good and bad things. But then, I haven't tried it out myself, so I wouldn't know what it really is =).

[Calm]

I know several relationships that have lasted almost ten years after meeting online. Hardest part appears to be working out the distance issues.

[katherine the great]

Of course you can fall in love with someone you meet online once you actually meet them.. I don't think you can actually fall in love with them until you spend some real, physical time with them. Until then, it's really just a fantasy relationship.

[Libs]

My son just married someone he met online. They were engaged two years, before they got married. They are absolutely perfect for one another.

I know many, many relationships that have started online and many have been very successful.

If the individuals are relatively "honest", when they meet online, I think the relationship has a bigger chance of success. Otherwise, sure, it's going to crash and burn, if one or the other is lying about themselves.

My youngest daughter and her husband also met online...also, a very good match! They've been married for four years and just had their first child.

[Calm]

I think meeting someone online allows people to focus on stuff besides the physical allowing friendship and understanding to develop first and foremost. Since for marriages to last I believe partners need to be friends....at least if they are to enjoy doing things together besides physical intimacy....I think this can be very positive. But it is important for people to be up front and honest to avoid confusion and later feelings of deception or betrayal.

[Kenngo1969]

... I don't think you can actually fall in love with them until you spend some real, physical time with them. Until then, it's really just a fantasy relationship.

I've had a lot of those. I have a lot of "secret" girlfriends: they're so secret they don't even know we're involved: Rachel Ray, Catherine Zeta Jones Douglas, Jill Hennessy from Law & Order and Crossing Jordan ...

[Kenngo1969]

I think meeting someone online allows people to focus on stuff besides the physical allowing friendship and understanding to develop first and foremost. Since for marriages to last I believe partners need to be friends....at least if they are to enjoy doing things together besides physical intimacy....I think this can be very positive. But it is important for people to be up front and honest to avoid confusion and later feelings of deception or betrayal.

Those are very astute points. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insight.

[Kenngo1969]

My son just married someone he met online. They were engaged two years, before they got married. They are absolutely perfect for one another.

I know many, many relationships that have started online and many have been very successful.

If the individuals are relatively "honest", when they meet online, I think the relationship has a bigger chance of success. Otherwise, sure, it's going to crash and burn, if one or the other is lying about themselves.

My youngest daughter and her husband also met online...also, a very good match! They've been married for four years and just had their first child.

Well, I try not to lie! It's hard sometimes, but I do try! Regarding your son and his wife, how long did they interact on line before finally meeting IRL? Was some serious distance involved, or did they live close to one another before meeting?

Edited September 19, 2011 by Kenngo1969

[Kenngo1969]

I know several relationships that have lasted almost ten years after meeting online. Hardest part appears to be working out the distance issues.

Can you elaborate on that? How much distance are we talking?

[katherine the great]

I've had a lot of those. I have a lot of "secret" girlfriends: they're so secret they don't even know we're involved: Rachel Ray, Catherine Zeta Jones Douglas, Jill Hennessy from Law & Order and Crossing Jordan ...

Let me guess. You like brunettes.

[Kenngo1969]

Let me guess. You like brunettes.

That sample's not necessarily representative.

[Calm]

Can you elaborate on that? How much distance are we talking?

In most couples one was from Calgary, the other somewhere in Utah...maybe one from Idaho. All ended moving up to Canada, possibly it's easier to do so these days, to get work permits, etc...I'll have to ask sometime. Most also involved kids so there was some adjustment with moving them at certain times to account for school issues. Generally the guy would be the one doing the traveling as the woman had the kids, though the woman with and without family would visit her fiance's town a couple of times as well, I assume to make sure it was acceptable to all.

[Duncan]

In most couples one was from Calgary, the other somewhere in Utah...maybe one from Idaho. All ended moving up to Canada, possibly it's easier to do so these days, to get work permits, etc...I'll have to ask sometime. Most also involved kids so there was some adjustment with moving them at certain times to account for school issues. Generally the guy would be the one doing the traveling as the woman had the kids, though the woman with and without family would visit her fiance's town a couple of times as well, I assume to make sure it was acceptable to all.

ha! I am working on like several women from Calgary, at least from Calgary or surrounding areas! just trying to develop friendships and seeing if any blossom into anything else

[Kenngo1969]

In most couples one was from Calgary, the other somewhere in Utah...maybe one from Idaho. All ended moving up to Canada, possibly it's easier to do so these days, to get work permits, etc...I'll have to ask sometime. Most also involved kids so there was some adjustment with moving them at certain times to account for school issues. Generally the guy would be the one doing the traveling as the woman had the kids, though the woman with and without family would visit her fiance's town a couple of times as well, I assume to make sure it was acceptable to all.

I see! A not-inconsiderable distance then! Ken, in best Hercule Poirot voice: "Interesting ... very interesting!"

[Kenngo1969]

ha! I am working on like several women from Calgary, at least from Calgary or surrounding areas! just trying to develop friendships and seeing if any blossom into anything else

And remind us what province you're in, and how much distance we're talking?

[Libs]

Well, I try not to lie! It's hard sometimes, but I do try! Regarding your son and his wife, how long did they interact on line before finally meeting IRL? Was some serious distance involved, or did they live close to one another before meeting?

I'm not sure how long they interacted online, before meeting...I think not very long. They lived very close to one another....practically right next door (cities of residence are right next to each other).. They were using a dating service and I think you can request people in your area.

I'm really glad you try not to lie. That should go in your favor.

Edited September 20, 2011 by Libs

[Duncan]

And remind us what province you're in, and how much distance we're talking?

Where I live just got a new NHL team...if that helps!! GO....GO!!!!!! One of them I am dropping hints to my friends (dating) to befriend me on facebook but they aren't taking the dang bait...

Edited September 20, 2011 by Duncan

[emeliza]

I think distance is often a big factor. Meeting online is good, dating online is not so easy.

[Kenngo1969]

I think distance is often a big factor. Meeting online is good, dating online is not so easy.

True dat!

[Kenngo1969]

I'm not sure how long they interacted online, before meeting...I think not very long. They lived very close to one another....practically right next door (cities of residence are right next to each other).. They were using a dating service and I think you can request people in your area.

I'm really glad you try not to lie. That should go in your favor.

Oh, that's not even the best of it: not only do I try not to lie, I even succeed most of the time!

[Maidservant]

1. Do you think it’s possible to fall in love with someone you met on line? Yes, also define "fall in love" . . . not sure "falling in love" is the final basis for a marriage, should have "love love" eventually, and while I think honest and loving people will be that way if they are online or not . . . there is nothing like closing the gap and working out the relationship realities. People who date in real life and think that marriage is going to be all going to movies on Friday night and making out are also going to be badly surprised when they get married or get closer and find out that reality and marriage is something different . . . better, but just needing more life and relationship skills.

2. With the above caveats in mind as well as others too numerous to mention, do you think it’s wise? Perhaps not wise. However . . . I am an eternally hopeful person, and you just never know. As long as you meet at some point and continue the relationship "normally". It's not wise to do motorcycles tricks in the air, either, but some people do it with exhilaration after some training. All things are not the same for all people. Just realize that if you risk things, if things go badly as life sometimes does, just realize you learned something and go forward. But risk can also bring good things.

3. If you don’t mind sharing, has it ever happened to you? Yes, two major times, including now. A minor time. And a predator, from which God delivered me.

4. What role did the Spirit play in your relationship? On my knees constantly begging for the spirit in order to do the Lord's will and to make good decisions and to learn to communicate, love, and to work out the distance problems.

5. How did the relationship develop, for example, how long did your correspond/on what subjects/etc.? hmm, too much to say on that. it's been a wild ride

6. What medium facilitated your contact (e.g., LDS Promise, Match.com, E-Harmony, et cetera)?

7. How much distance was between you? he's on the other side of the world

8. At what point did you meet in real life? working on that now, won't know what happens after that until we take that step

9. What ultimately happened to the relationship? despite my one rather scary experience, in reflection I have to say that on the whole I have met some wonderful people online both friendship, flirting, and deeper relationships. I can't say that my experience with these human beings is any better or worse than with people I have met in real life. Of course, I avoid negative people and cultivate positive associations, anyway. On the love relationships: the first was a minor one and we decided we loved each other but were definitely not going to pursue it for some reasons, but he was and is a very sweet and spiritual human being who I admire to all ends, and even though we only communicate once or twice a year for updates (and indeed, I believe he is now married), we are still very tender to one another and I know he was supposed to be in my life at the time that he was. The second, a major one, we met after two months, but broke up about a month after that. Again, the break up is part of life, but the relationship was one of the best things that ever happened to me up to that point, he was very good to me, a good honorable human being, we enjoyed the time we had together when we met in person (very excited!) . . . but it wasn't meant to be. The third major one . . . right now . . . very challenging and very rewarding . . . and I am pursuing this relationship with the intention that we will be together for the rest of our lives, but . . . I will let you know, so to speak. We have a lot of steps between here and there.

10. Is there anything you’d care to add?

Let the games begin!

Thanks fer playin’!

[Kenngo1969]

Maidservant,

You make a good point in your answer to my #1. With absolutely no offense intended to anyone who feels that any relationship which hasn't progressed to the IRL stage is shallow by definition, on-line relationships may be shallow or deeper; in-real-life relationships may be shallow or deeper. It all depends on the parties and the nature of their interactions.

With respect to your answer to my #2, I encourage you, while continuing to heed the Savior's advice to his apostles that they be "wise as serpents, yet harmless as doves," to continue to cultivate that eternal optimism. Even optimism which occasionally is betrayed is better than unremitting pessimism which is always rewarded!

Respecting your answer to my #3, thanks for sharing. Our histories in that regard sound somewhat similar. With all of the caveats I have previously expressed in mind, I developed strong feelings (and she for me, if her words are to be beliieved! ) for someone after interacting with her on line for quite some time and expressed a desire and willingness to meet her IRL. There was a major complication that, in her mind, precluded that meeting from happening. (In fairness to her, perhaps it wasn't just her perspective that posed the challenge she saw: perhaps that challenge existed objectively ...) Praise be to God for your deliverance from that predator! (These are interesting, challenging times ...)

You're the first person to answer my #4, which I think is the most important question on that list: "Oh, yeah? Well, why did you put it #4 then?" Touche!

Regarding your answer to my #7, I know all about that "other-side-of-the-world" thing! In my case, she's suddenly incommunicado without an explanation. i could be absolutely dead wrong, but I've seen nothing in the tenor of our relationship to this point that suggested she would suddenly and inexplicably cut off further contact. (And, in fact, I feel I have ample evidence that the opposite should be the case ...) On the other hand, she wouldn't be the first woman in my life to inexplicably disappear. I suppose my expectations are too high for many women (no offense), but I've found, sadly, that a simple, "Ken, as much as I've appreciated our interaction to this point [whether that interaction is on-line, IRL, or both], I'd just like to go a different direction ..." often has been too much to ask. (I wonder if that's the unusually classy way to go about things such that it shouldn't be expected, or if it's simply a matter of common courtesy? As I said, maybe my expectations are too high, but I think it's the latter ...)

In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, I choose to believe her lack of recent communication is attributable to a technological issue, or perhaps to a personal one. I hope she reestablishes contact, if for no other reason than to give me the opportunity to ask her, "Era algo que dije?" ("Was it something I said?") I'm not really troubled at what her lack of communication might mean for "us" at this point (especially considering that there is one school of thought ... it's one I don't necessarily agree with, but it does exist ... which says that absent any IRL contact, there's no such thing as "us.") I am, however, deeply concerned for her personal welfare. I hope she's OK.

[Calm]

My daughter teases me from time to time about the best friends I have never met. Some of my deepest relationships have been completely restricted to online. In some ways with me being quite shy, it is easier to open up online than not, plus because we gravitate to sites because we share interest there is an instant sense of commonality that aids a sense of security. Also we may make assumptions that because we share one interest we likely will share others. Couple that with the lack of cues that might suggest the person has somewhere to be or their interest is wandering, I think this increases the likelihood of us taking risks and opening up more.

It is similar in some ways to my relationship with my mother. When we see each other we don't talk much about our ideas, etc because we tend to be occupied by mundane stuff, so it turns out that side of our relationship is much stronger long distance.

When it comes to love, you need to make sure that those aspects of your relationship that you most treasure aren't overwhelm by the demands of 'real life' if you choose to add face to face interaction to the relationship (similar to forgetting that 'courting' behaviour is important after the marriage as well if you want to keep the marriage strong.)

[MorningStar]

I've seen some online courtships work out. But I've also seen some disasters, the worst being a case when a woman was raped by her date. Others included a quick marriage followed by domestic violence, including one couple where the guy failed to mentioned he had lost his job and hadn't paid his mortgage for a while. She was mad. He said, "If I told you, you wouldn't have married me." Aaaaaaaaaah!!!!!