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So -- Widowed And Weirded Out


USU78

How Long Should Widowed Person Wait to Date?  

21 members have voted

  1. 1. Please identify your own sex with your comments

    • Start right away
      5
    • Wait 3 months
      1
    • Wait 6 months
      6
    • Wait a year
      8
    • Jump into "the coffin there with Caesar"
      1


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Posted

The 'worldly' viewpoint since I'm civilly divorced is that one can date once they're ready.

The marriage vows are between the couple and God and are unbreakable IMO. So even if my spouse decides to get a divorce, there is still the covenant I made w/ God and I will honor my marriage covenants regardless.

For Better or Worse, what God has put together, let no man (or spouse) tear apart.

The RCC recognizes my marriage while the State of California does not. I believe the 'worldly' view sides w/ the state of California.

So you will always consider yourself married, and will not remarry or even date (as that would not be appropriate to the marriage covenant either.) Is that correct?

Posted

So you will always consider yourself married, and will not remarry or even date (as that would not be appropriate to the marriage covenant either.) Is that correct?

I can date my wife, but I don't cherish that thought. :mega_shok:

Honestly, I've reconnected with a lot of my old friends and I'm strengthening those relationships. There's other ways I can be the Lord's hands and feet and I know He has plans for me. :wub:

Posted

I gave "Jump into the coffin there with Caesar" a vote, just for the heck of it. I mean, as long as we're exploring all options fully, that one ought to have at least a fighting chance against the others ... just to be fair. ;)

P.S.: My gender? Uhhh ... I forgot.

Posted

The 'worldly' viewpoint since I'm civilly divorced is that one can date once they're ready.

The marriage vows are between the couple and God and are unbreakable IMO. So even if my spouse decides to get a divorce, there is still the covenant I made w/ God and I will honor my marriage covenants regardless.

For Better or Worse, what God has put together, let no man (or spouse) tear apart.

The RCC recognizes my marriage while the State of California does not. I believe the 'worldly' view sides w/ the state of California.

Me too, I'm still sealed yet civilly divorced. That's a subject that a lot of people don’t understand. I feel the same way you do, how can I get a temple divorce (cancellation of the sealing) when I too consider this unbreakable. For me there are two other factors. I had an answer to my prayers to marry her, and I also had an answer to my prayers to divorce her. I can not deny either one. I realize that free agency rules, and she made some choices that were not good. Am I to decide the family fate and remove all hope of us being together forever in the Celestial kingdom, or should I let time decide? My belief is we will all eventually repent of our wrong doings.... so will she.

Further, if another temple worthy lady is found, one that can put up with my ADHD (doubtful) then, as the male I don’t have to break my temple sealing in order to be sealed to her as well.

Posted

This has turned into a terrific thread . . . opinions all over the place . . . a view into the RC POV . . . UMW chipping in (with profound insights and great wisdom -- whew!). Keep it up!

Posted

USU,

I'm sorry for your loss. It'll be right when it's comfortable to you. That time may never come. It never comes for a lot of widows and widowers. :(

I think abstractly at least six months. A friend of my dad died and his widow was married within six months. That felt a little weird even to me, but my family has a history of losing spouses and never remarrying, so I'm clouded by personal experience.

It might appear to be insulting the deceased's memory to be out dating too early, but again the widow/widower needs to feel comfortable, and comfort might exist in immediately being with someone because they're so used to being in a relationship, sharing a bed, having a partner, etc. Ultimately life is a gift that should be lived, and people are free to make their own choices and decisions.

Faint heart never won fair maiden . . . matron?

Posted

I am not widowed and cannot even know how to approach either the amount of time or the sorrow, or what would be classified as "healed" or "healing". It is a sorrow I do not wish to contemplate, and it requires a strength I haven't had to draw on. I couldn't even begin to understand what would be considered weird or not. My fondest wish is to die first for selfish reasons. I don't want to have that anguish in my life.

You have my sympathies on the matter.

Posted

I am not widowed and cannot even know how to approach either the amount of time or the sorrow, or what would be classified as "healed" or "healing". It is a sorrow I do not wish to contemplate, and it requires a strength I haven't had to draw on.

Due to my approach on this particular subject, I seem to be relating well with the widowed who tend to do a lot of reflecting on their spouse which is a difference for many that's widowed versus divorced. :wub:

Posted (edited)

I had an answer to my prayers to marry her, and I also had an answer to my prayers to divorce her. I can not deny either one.

That sounds similiar to my LDS wife.

For me, I had my prayer answered to marry her and I had my prayer confirmed that a separation is needed at this time. Knowing my wife though, I suspect that the separation will just be more permanent in nature. :fool:

Edited by blueadept
Posted

I'm getting dinner invites to include other people of the single (divorced/widowed) persuasion as well. I've even contrived to be "partnered up" with someone I've been friends with for years and have done community work with.

All very discrete and away from the Ward and my girls . . . but how soon would people say is too soon . . . and how long before I'm a malingerer and a self-made monument to grief? Me? I've got no particular opinion, but know that one-on-one is something that fascinates, yet the thought makes me awfully nervous. Not sure where I'll end up coming down on the subject.

Given your particular situation USU, I think whenever the time feels right is the time.

It has only been a couple of months since my mom has passed of similar circumstances and I am currently hopeful my dad will start playing the field a bit instead of moping in grief.

My thought would be to go ahead and start.. but don't do anything legally committing for the first year. Also think about how estate planning for your kids.

Posted
Also think about how estate planning for your kids.

Prenups, babe. Prenups.

Posted (edited)

Interesting results so far on the poll: 5 for "start right away," 5 for "wait 6 months," and 5 for "wait a year."

Couldn't be a clearer testimony for "up to you, kiddo."

I cannot answer how long some one should wait. Just don't do anything stupid and get involved out of convenience. I think if a nice lady comes along and is a really good fit right away is not a bad option. But if you feel you need to grieve for a year, then do that.

I know several people who started dating and got remarried right away.

Edited by Mola Ram Suda Ram
Posted

Prenups, babe. Prenups.

Seriously?

Posted

I don't think time should be a criteria (though if you have children in the teen years and don't wait a year, they are likely to resent it). I think it is when you have done all the work --- the grieving, the financial things, the learning how to make and keep healthy friendships without a spouse, the figuring out who you are without your spouse and where you want to go, the stabilizing child care and routine for the children. the being ready to clean out the things in your home that are overwhelmingly your wife's (until you are ready to do this, you don't yet have room for a new relationship and the pictures of their mother would be moved into the kids room or maybe the family room where there is also room for pictures of the new family). This takes some people longer than a year. But until your heart is there, until you are content and happy where you are at, it is pretty nigh impossible to form a healthy new relationship.

Posted

Myself? I have just one left at home, and she'll be leaving for college a little over a year from now.

I have no great need to become a monument to my grief like the women over on Facebook's LDS Widows and Widowers. I've had quite enough of death invading my house and feeding on our vitality day after day and robbing my children of joy. I've reached my limit on disease and wasting. All evidence of the sick ward that was my house is gone except for a wheel chair and some pricey injectibles that I still need to place. Get rid of the sewing table and sewing cabinet (neither daughter wants 'em) and it might even start looking like a man lives here. Get my desk out of the garage and up into the bedroom and I suddenly have a place in the world to call my own.

No . . . none of this "wait a year" business for this kid. I want teenagers having the run of my house and annoying me. I want friends over for dinner on my good china that hadn't been used for 20 years. I want a reason to polish the good silver. I want sparkling grape juice in the good crystal. I want adult conversations and music and song.

I'm not one to haunt graveyards like my sister-in-law who spends a couple of days a year with a pumice stone polishing her late son's gravemarker.

Give me life.

It's so very precious. Each day a gift. Each hour a miracle.

Posted (edited)

I want teenagers having the run of my house and annoying me. I want friends over for dinner on my good china that hadn't been used for 20 years. I want a reason to polish the good silver. I want sparkling grape juice in the good crystal. I want adult conversations and music and song.

I'm not one to haunt graveyards like my sister-in-law who spends a couple of days a year with a pumice stone polishing her late son's gravemarker.

Give me life.

It's so very precious. Each day a gift. Each hour a miracle.

Sounds like an awesome plan to me... :clapping: and do what works for you.

It sounds like you want someone special to be able to do all that and there is nothing wrong with that.

For me personally, I think I can achieve ALL of that without a significant other in the picture and there is no need to be grieving. My life is WAY to busy with positive needs to let the negative things to get in my way. My motto as of late has been to not worry about dating and TO START LIVING!.

....added. So you have older kids. I only have one brother and we were both older when my mom passed away. My mom and I sort of expected that my dad would remarry quickly if something happened to her and I knew my mom would NEVER remarry if something happened to him. I'm following my mom's path....that's no surprise. My brother, OTOH, had issues with the passing of my mother and had issues with my father remarrying quickly that's still being felt today and that happened a decade ago. My new mom and I talked about their non-existent relationship and that's quite a bit different than myself who is trying to improve the relationship since I already see her as a mom who I can entrust on personal issues.

Regardless of age, kids can have issues. Just be aware of them and the time factor can alleviate that but do what you want.

Edited by blueadept
Posted

My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago, as some here may recall (or may not ;) ). I had some time to contemplate issues like this. Of course, I can't be sure, but I really don't see myself getting back into the "game" if the unthinkable were to happen. There is so much in life to do (in a good way), I don't think I would have the time to go through all the looking, courtship, building a relationship stuff! Of course, if someone were to fall in my lap, so to speak, and the situation were perfect, then I'd be crazy not to consider taking it further.

Posted

Myself? I have just one left at home, and she'll be leaving for college a little over a year from now.

I have no great need to become a monument to my grief like the women over on Facebook's LDS Widows and Widowers. I've had quite enough of death invading my house and feeding on our vitality day after day and robbing my children of joy. I've reached my limit on disease and wasting. All evidence of the sick ward that was my house is gone except for a wheel chair and some pricey injectibles that I still need to place. Get rid of the sewing table and sewing cabinet (neither daughter wants 'em) and it might even start looking like a man lives here. Get my desk out of the garage and up into the bedroom and I suddenly have a place in the world to call my own.

No . . . none of this "wait a year" business for this kid. I want teenagers having the run of my house and annoying me. I want friends over for dinner on my good china that hadn't been used for 20 years. I want a reason to polish the good silver. I want sparkling grape juice in the good crystal. I want adult conversations and music and song.

I'm not one to haunt graveyards like my sister-in-law who spends a couple of days a year with a pumice stone polishing her late son's gravemarker.

Give me life.

It's so very precious. Each day a gift. Each hour a miracle.

Sounds like a good plan. :) I guess the only question is how actively you seek out someone to share all of that with (if, indeed, you even need to do so) or if you simply make yourself available for Que Sera, Sera. Our situations are apples-and-Buicks different, not just apples-and-oranges different, but personally, I would opt for the latter. Then again, I've been using that plan for 20 years, and I've got the Que part of it down pretty good; it's just the sera part I'm having a problem with ... :rofl:

Posted

BTW: A neighbor of mine went through 10-12 years of chemo and remissions and metastising and such before his wife died in November. He married a single lady in the ward the following March. In the temple. The ward biddies had a field day.

Posted

One cannot help the natural consequence of society where it seems everyone gets in everyone else's business. There were one or two excellent shows on the Andy Griffith show that reflected upon such things.

Posted

My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago, as some here may recall (or may not ;) ). I had some time to contemplate issues like this. Of course, I can't be sure, but I really don't see myself getting back into the "game" if the unthinkable were to happen. There is so much in life to do (in a good way), I don't think I would have the time to go through all the looking, courtship, building a relationship stuff! Of course, if someone were to fall in my lap, so to speak, and the situation were perfect, then I'd be crazy not to consider taking it further.

I didn't know that ERMD, but you guys sure helped me out when mine was getting diagnosed with cancer. At first we thought it was cancer of the pancrease, I figured she was checking out fast. It turned out to be colon cancer and she'll be around for a bit, she is a stubborn one. Anyway I was contemplating the situation and I figure I'd be quick to re-marry but she would have to love my 1st wife too. Someone that wouldn't mind me being sealed to 2 wives, except it's all moot at the moment Patti and I haven't been sealed yet. We're having a real tough time with WOW and I'm not worthy to be sealed to one wife yet. I really admire all of you folks that have a TR. I have a testimony just no TR. I pray Heavenly Father doesn't lose His patience with us, He has been real compassionate towards us.

Posted

... I pray Heavenly Father doesn't lose His patience with us, He has been real compassionate towards us.

As long as you strive, He won't lose patience with you. :)

Posted

The 'worldly' viewpoint since I'm civilly divorced is that one can date once they're ready.

The marriage vows are between the couple and God and are unbreakable IMO. So even if my spouse decides to get a divorce, there is still the covenant I made w/ God and I will honor my marriage covenants regardless.

For Better or Worse, what God has put together, let no man (or spouse) tear apart.

The RCC recognizes my marriage while the State of California does not. I believe the 'worldly' view sides w/ the state of California.

What is 'RCC' an acronym for?

So, if you were to remarry without first getting your sealing cancelled, you would in effect be practicing polygamy? And I assume you don't believe in doing that, so you choose not to enter another relationship. (?)

I could be wrong, but I have heard that in the early days of the Church, there was not only polygyny, but also polyandry. However, these days, the Church does not allow women to be sealed to more than one man, but men can be sealed to more than one woman. Seems a little one-sided to me.

Anyway, I guess you already understand that your POV is not necessarily how mainstream LDS view the question of divorce. Take my father, for example: He divorced my mother civilly, then married another woman several years later. So he is now sealed to two living women. In your view, that's not kosher (and I can understand that). But the Church as an institution does not have a problem with that.

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