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Funny Expressions


Mike Richards

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Here are a couple of expression I hear a lot at church that make me chuckle:

(During a prayer) "We're thankful for what we were able to glean from today's lesson." Glean? Even if the lesson was so poorly presented (or you're already so dang smart) that there was no harvest, just the labor intensive, minimal reward of going through the reaped field and collecting the small number of truths that you didn't already have, you probably shouldn't let the teacher know it.

(Also during a prayer) "We're thankful for the moisture." Moisture? You mean like the residue on my towel that makes it stink when it isn't hung or the dampness that causes skin to itch? Because, I'm not thankful for those things at all. Oh, you mean the rain or the snow or the dew? You probably should have said that.

Do you often hear funny expressions at church?

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When bearing a testimony or giving a talk, "In the name of thy Son." He's not our Son.

When telling what hymn to sing, saying "Page number" instead of "Hymn Number." That only works for the first two hymns. I've counted.

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I was raised in another church in which we prayed before eating to thank God for the food he provided us with.

I always thought it was peculiar that in the LDS church we often bless the food to "nourish and strengthen us", as if it might not. I suppose if you are carrying food which is several months old across the plains, the possibility that it could make you ill is very real.

It is also strange to me that if the food is already "blessed", (suppose one joins a meal already in progress) it might be thought odd if one was to say one's own blessing.

To me, it is odd not to thank God oneself for the food provided. It is not about "blessing the food" and once done, it's done; to me, it is about a personal expression of thanksgiving.

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When bearing a testimony or giving a talk, "In the name of thy Son." He's not our Son.

When telling what hymn to sing, saying "Page number" instead of "Hymn Number." That only works for the first two hymns. I've counted.

Someone pointed these two out to me when I was pretty young and I have noticed them ever since.

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I was raised in another church in which we prayed before eating to thank God for the food he provided us with.

I always thought it was peculiar that in the LDS church we often bless the food to "nourish and strengthen us", as if it might not. I suppose if you are carrying food which is several months old across the plains, the possibility that it could make you ill is very real.

It is also strange to me that if the food is already "blessed", (suppose one joins a meal already in progress) it might be thought odd if one was to say one's own blessing.

To me, it is odd not to thank God oneself for the food provided. It is not about "blessing the food" and once done, it's done; to me, it is about a personal expression of thanksgiving.

I don't think I've ever thought about this before. I was raised LDS and we always said one of the following: that the food will 1. nourish and strengthen us, 2. give us the strength and energy we need, or (if it needs some real blessing), 3. give us nourishment, strength, and energy.

In a related note, however, I remember my dad once saying before we started our dinner, "I'll bless the food." He proceeded to raise his arms high into the air, and while shaking his head from side to side so he cheeks jiggled, shouted, "Humm unah humm unah zam boom!" All the kids laughed, but my mom gave him a disapproving look. He said to her, "Oh, I suppose I should ask a blessing." Since then I've been pretty careful to refer to "asking" a blessing on the food.

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I always thought it was peculiar that in the LDS church we often bless the food to "nourish and strengthen us", as if it might not. I suppose if you are carrying food which is several months old across the plains, the possibility that it could make you ill is very real.

Yeah, that one always struck me as odd as well. Several years ago I started saying "...thank-you for this food, and bless us that we will eat with thankful hearts..." and I stopped blessing the food itself. I did this at a potluck once and they told me that I forgot to bless the food. I told them that the food was fine and that the important part is to give thanks. They insisted on saying a second prayer to bless the food.

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"I know with every fiber of my being"

"Bless us with a portion of thy Spirit"

"May we take what we have heard into our daily lives"

"Bless us to go to our classes in safety"

"Bless those who are not here this time that they will be here next time"

"We're thankful for the moisture we've received" and "Please bless those in danger of the flooding" and "Please temper the elements" and "Please bless us with moisture"

"We're thankful for the low loss of life" (not funny haha, at an area conference invocation right after the first Gulf War; U.S. losses were small, but it was reported that Iraqi losses were in the neighborhood of a quarter million)

"Please bless the needy with all that they stand in need of"

"Bless those in our midst who have not joined us that their hearts may be softened"

"Please intervene in the affairs of nations"....

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Like Nathair, I've always found it amusing when someone says "thy Son" at the end of their talk.

I also find it annoying when every single talk during Sacrament meeting starts out, "Hello, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Brother/Sister [place name here]. I've been asked to give my talk on [insert name of some talk given in General Conference]. When the bishop called me to give this talk . . . [proceed to tell about how you really didn't want to give the talk but decided to anyways, and then tell a really poor joke]." It gets old real soon.

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"I would be remiss if..." Never heard it outside the church, usually a testimony.

Sometimes an idiolect creates more interest and becomes endearing. I had an uncle who included "vouchsafe guidance" in every prayer. And a neighbor always asked for a blessing on everyone... "from the highest to the lowest to the last ordained" in an animated, melodious voice, like an old-time tent preacher. It definitely made listening to closing prayers more interesting, waiting for the expected phrases.

A really funny thing to me is when people forget themselves in a secular environment (school, work, etc.) and close with, "I say these things... uhh... Thank you."

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In a related note, however, I remember my dad once saying before we started our dinner, "I'll bless the food." He proceeded to raise his arms high into the air, and while shaking his head from side to side so he cheeks jiggled, shouted, "Humm unah humm unah zam boom!" All the kids laughed, but my mom gave him a disapproving look. He said to her, "Oh, I suppose I should ask a blessing." Since then I've been pretty careful to refer to "asking" a blessing on the food.

When everyone is in a hurry to bless the food, I might occaisionally say "Good Lord, good meat, good food, let's eat!". Gets a laugh and then we slow down and say a proper prayer.

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"I know with every fiber of my being"

"Bless us with a portion of thy Spirit"

"May we take what we have heard into our daily lives"

"Bless us to go to our classes in safety"

"Bless those who are not here this time that they will be here next time"

"We're thankful for the moisture we've received" and "Please bless those in danger of the flooding" and "Please temper the elements" and "Please bless us with moisture"

"We're thankful for the low loss of life" (not funny haha, at an area conference invocation right after the first Gulf War; U.S. losses were small, but it was reported that Iraqi losses were in the neighborhood of a quarter million)

"Please bless the needy with all that they stand in need of"

"Bless those in our midst who have not joined us that their hearts may be softened"

"Please intervene in the affairs of nations"....

Some of those are pretty good. Think I might work them into the rotation...

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I always giggle when someone says "we are having a joint meeting on wednesday, friends are invited" like what is this now the Church of Marijuana?!

Do they have pot lucks after those joint meetings?

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Do they have pot lucks after those joint meetings?

You are absolutely evil!! :diablo:

:rofl:

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When bearing a testimony or giving a talk, "In the name of thy Son." He's not our Son.

When telling what hymn to sing, saying "Page number" instead of "Hymn Number." That only works for the first two hymns. I've counted.

In defense of those who make this "blunder" I believe mentally they are changing perspective, finishing their talk as if they are looking up to God and telling Him that they are doing it in His name. It just comes across wrong if your not thinking that way.

JMS

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A really funny thing to me is when people forget themselves in a secular environment (school, work, etc.) and close with, "I say these things... uhh... Thank you."

I have the opposite problem. I do a fair amount of public speaking

I have been known to say, even after a testimony, "Thank you very much" and sit down!

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This one still cracks me up when I listen to it.

Unbe-flippin-lievable!

But it has to be an edit, right??

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Unbe-flippin-lievable!

But it has to be an edit, right??

Dunno. According to the comments (which could be just as doctored or real as the audio clip), someone confirmed with the station that it was real (supposedly she was on some cold medications, and was pretty drowsy/medicine head-y).

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