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Key to the Ken-dom

Temple Divorce

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A few years ago my wife and I started having issues, but divorce never entered my mind. My wife however, who comes from a history of divorce, surprised me with divorce papers. Not knowing what to do, I gave up way too easily and agreed to the divorce. I was surprised again recently when I got a letter from her new bishop saying that she requested a dissolution of our temple sealing. I had hoped that some day in the eternities that we'd be able to have a better perspective and eventually forgive each other and be a family again. Despite my writing a strong letter of objection to the church disagreeing with the dissolving of our sealing, I just got a letter saying that the first presidency went ahead and granted it to her anyway.

Does anybody have experience in this area? Why did the church not care at all about my opinion? If it was all her idea, why do I have to get approval before I can be sealed to somebody else, and is it hard to get that approval from the first presidency?

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23 minutes ago, Key to the Ken-dom said:

A few years ago my wife and I started having issues, but divorce never entered my mind. My wife however, who comes from a history of divorce, surprised me with divorce papers. Not knowing what to do, I gave up way too easily and agreed to the divorce. I was surprised again recently when I got a letter from her new bishop saying that she requested a dissolution of our temple sealing. I had hoped that some day in the eternities that we'd be able to have a better perspective and eventually forgive each other and be a family again. Despite my writing a strong letter of objection to the church disagreeing with the dissolving of our sealing, I just got a letter saying that the first presidency went ahead and granted it to her anyway.

Does anybody have experience in this area? Why did the church not care at all about my opinion? If it was all her idea, why do I have to get approval before I can be sealed to somebody else, and is it hard to get that approval from the first presidency?

It isn't that the Church doesn't care about your opinion.  The purpose of getting your input, so far as I understand it, is to see if there might be some issue with serious transgression that needs to be ironed out.  For example, in this era of "no-fault" divorce, what if the marriage had actually dissolved over infidelity, but this had never been disclosed.  Your input bringing this up would cause the matter of cancellation to go down a different path, probably.

I have some experience in this, though not directly.  My late wife got divorced from her first husband (at his instigation, not hers).  Later, when we became engaged, she initiated a sealing cancellation.  Like in your case, her ex was asked for his input into the matter, even though he had been excommunicated.  In his statement he took full responsibility for the failure of their marriage and praised her for always being a good wife and mother.  The sealing was cancelled in due course, but I'm quite certain if he had objected to the cancellation because, for example, he still loved her and hoped for a reconciliation, the cancellation would have still occurred.  For the reason I mention above.

Brigham Young was known for easily granting sealing cancellations at the request of sisters, but not so quick to act when brethren initiated them.  As for today, I couldn't say, but I suspect that if there are no complicating issues the first presidency does not insist upon keeping couples together who do not wish to be together.  

Sorry to hear about your situation -- that has got to be very unpleasant!  I wish you well in your efforts to rebound from the hit!

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1 hour ago, Key to the Ken-dom said:

A few years ago my wife and I started having issues, but divorce never entered my mind. My wife however, who comes from a history of divorce, surprised me with divorce papers. Not knowing what to do, I gave up way too easily and agreed to the divorce. I was surprised again recently when I got a letter from her new bishop saying that she requested a dissolution of our temple sealing. I had hoped that some day in the eternities that we'd be able to have a better perspective and eventually forgive each other and be a family again. Despite my writing a strong letter of objection to the church disagreeing with the dissolving of our sealing, I just got a letter saying that the first presidency went ahead and granted it to her anyway.

Does anybody have experience in this area? Why did the church not care at all about my opinion? If it was all her idea, why do I have to get approval before I can be sealed to somebody else, and is it hard to get that approval from the first presidency?

I'm so sorry, I'm sure that has all been very difficult for you.  It might help to realize that the church wasn't asking for your opinion on your wife having the sealing cancelled; they were looking for more information on why the divorce happened to make sure there was no reason your ex-wife wouldn't be able to be sealed again.  

After the sealing has been cancelled I don't know that you have to get approval to be sealed again.  I thought that was only for those who were still sealed, but I may be wrong about that.  From my experience with friends it does not seem to be difficult to get sealed again, as long as there are no issues of unresolved sins in the way.

I wish you the best of luck in moving forward from this.  

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1 hour ago, bluebell said:

I'm so sorry, I'm sure that has all been very difficult for you.  It might help to realize that the church wasn't asking for your opinion on your wife having the sealing cancelled; they were looking for more information on why the divorce happened to make sure there was no reason your ex-wife wouldn't be able to be sealed again.  

After the sealing has been cancelled I don't know that you have to get approval to be sealed again.  I thought that was only for those who were still sealed, but I may be wrong about that.  From my experience with friends it does not seem to be difficult to get sealed again, as long as there are no issues of unresolved sins in the way.

I wish you the best of luck in moving forward from this.  

After the sealing cancellation, absent complicating factors like infidelity, nothing special need be done.  A woman must get a sealing cancellation to be sealed to a subsequent husband.  A man with an existing sealing still in place after a divorce must get a "clearance" to be sealed to a subsequent wife.  @Key to the Ken-dom need only satisfy normal temple marriage requirements to be sealed to a new spouse.

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Posted (edited)

There is no such thing as a temple divorce. It is a sealing cancellation.

This may sound harsh and I am trying not to be mean but you seem to have a warped perspective. You basically blame her for the marriage failing because she has some history with divorce? Not sure that is fair. Did you expect her to stay single until death so that you could swoop in in the next life and somehow work it out? There is no magic in death that fixes things like that. Why would you think the ordinance would be valid in the next life when at least one of you (and possibly both of you) were not living the covenants you made? Giving your counsel does not give you a veto on her ever remarrying. You wanted her to not be able to find a happy marriage for the rest of her life unless it was with you as some kind of punishment?

It would not be hard for you to get approval to be remarried. I do not think you even need it. I would ask you to turn the situation around and ask how you would feel if you found someone to marry now and submitted the request and the First Presidency denied your request because she objected.Would you feel that her objection should prevent you from being sealed to someone?

I sincerely hope your life gets better. Forgive her and yourself, cleanse yourself of this anger and resentment, and find some happiness. Good luck.

Edited by The Nehor
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6 hours ago, The Nehor said:

There is no such thing as a temple divorce. It is a sealing cancellation.

Yes, you're correct, but insisting upon the technicality comes across as being pedantic.  I know, because I do it, too.

6 hours ago, The Nehor said:

This may sound harsh and I am trying not to be mean but you seem to have a warped perspective. You basically blame her for the marriage failing because she has some history with divorce? Not sure that is fair. Did you expect her to stay single until death so that you could swoop in in the next life and somehow work it out? There is no magic in death that fixes things like that. Why would you think the ordinance would be valid in the next life when at least one of you (and possibly both of you) were not living the covenants you made? Giving your counsel does not give you a veto on her ever remarrying. You wanted her to not be able to find a happy marriage for the rest of her life unless it was with you as some kind of punishment?

It would not be hard for you to get approval to be remarried. I do not think you even need it. I would ask you to turn the situation around and ask how you would feel if you found someone to marry now and submitted the request and the First Presidency denied your request because she objected.Would you feel that her objection should prevent you from being sealed to someone?

I sincerely hope your life gets better. Forgive her and yourself, cleanse yourself of this anger and resentment, and find some happiness. Good luck.

You're right that he needs to reconcile himself to the situation.  

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21 hours ago, Key to the Ken-dom said:

A few years ago my wife and I started having issues, but divorce never entered my mind. My wife however, who comes from a history of divorce, surprised me with divorce papers. Not knowing what to do, I gave up way too easily and agreed to the divorce. I was surprised again recently when I got a letter from her new bishop saying that she requested a dissolution of our temple sealing. I had hoped that some day in the eternities that we'd be able to have a better perspective and eventually forgive each other and be a family again. Despite my writing a strong letter of objection to the church disagreeing with the dissolving of our sealing, I just got a letter saying that the first presidency went ahead and granted it to her anyway.

Does anybody have experience in this area? Why did the church not care at all about my opinion? If it was all her idea, why do I have to get approval before I can be sealed to somebody else, and is it hard to get that approval from the first presidency?

That would seem to me to be a terrible situation for you. I am sorry that anyone has to go through such things. 

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16 hours ago, Stargazer said:

Yes, you're correct, but insisting upon the technicality comes across as being pedantic.  I know, because I do it, too.

It is one of my crusades. I just hate the term.

Then again this is another of my crusades so I might just be insane:

cautionary_ghost_2x.png

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Boy, does this issue touch the heart.  Helplessness in the face of betrayal, and no help in sight.

Yes, I understand fully how you feel.  But there's an issue you haven't considered.

There is no earthly covenant sealed in Heaven without its being sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise.  The Holy Spirit doesn't seal a covenant when the covenanters are no longer of one mind.  The Cancellation of Sealing is an administrative proceeding.  There is no ritual in the temple.  It is merely a recognition by the Church of facts on the ground.  You have no control over those facts.  You have no control over the one who betrayed you.  Spending energy on your frustration at having no control is wasting energy.

Good luck.  Be well.

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I do not know the statistics of the situation so I may be just over reacting, but there does seem to be an increasing rate of divorces among people that have been sealed. I have seen several happen in my own sphere of friends and family, and while I was not ab observer of the day to day interactions of those involved, there were no accusations of abuse, alcoholism, drugs, etc. A lot of disagreements cropped and the parties split up. This was often more the desire mostly of one of the parties while the other wanted to keep the marriage intact.

I just wonder if the Lord's message to the Pharisees who were questioning Jesus on the fact that Moses had allowed divorces in his day has any bearing upon a lot of what is going on today? (Mark 10:5 And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.)

Glenn

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4 hours ago, Glenn101 said:

I do not know the statistics of the situation so I may be just over reacting, but there does seem to be an increasing rate of divorces among people that have been sealed. I have seen several happen in my own sphere of friends and family, and while I was not ab observer of the day to day interactions of those involved, there were no accusations of abuse, alcoholism, drugs, etc. A lot of disagreements cropped and the parties split up. This was often more the desire mostly of one of the parties while the other wanted to keep the marriage intact.

I just wonder if the Lord's message to the Pharisees who were questioning Jesus on the fact that Moses had allowed divorces in his day has any bearing upon a lot of what is going on today? (Mark 10:5 And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.)

Glenn

Glenn I will try to find the article, but for now you'll have to take my word for it, I read today that less LDS seek marriage counseling than non LDS couples. I wonder why that is? When my husband and I went through a tough time, I kept asking if we could go to a counselor and he wouldn't do it. Is there a thing out there about this? And in the study they ended in divorce where the others that had marriage counseling would stay married for the most part.

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11 hours ago, Tacenda said:

Glenn I will try to find the article, but for now you'll have to take my word for it, I read today that less LDS seek marriage counseling than non LDS couples. I wonder why that is? When my husband and I went through a tough time, I kept asking if we could go to a counselor and he wouldn't do it. Is there a thing out there about this? And in the study they ended in divorce where the others that had marriage counseling would stay married for the most part.

I do not really know the answer to that. I do know people, men that have clung to or aligned thenselves with the idea that men are actual rulers in their homes and are reluctant or maybe scared to go to counseling because it might challenge their paradigms. I don't think that is exclusive to LDS men though.

Glenn

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On 6/26/2019 at 6:52 AM, Key to the Ken-dom said:

A few years ago my wife and I started having issues, but divorce never entered my mind. My wife however, who comes from a history of divorce, surprised me with divorce papers. Not knowing what to do, I gave up way too easily and agreed to the divorce. I was surprised again recently when I got a letter from her new bishop saying that she requested a dissolution of our temple sealing. I had hoped that some day in the eternities that we'd be able to have a better perspective and eventually forgive each other and be a family again. Despite my writing a strong letter of objection to the church disagreeing with the dissolving of our sealing, I just got a letter saying that the first presidency went ahead and granted it to her anyway.

Does anybody have experience in this area? Why did the church not care at all about my opinion? If it was all her idea, why do I have to get approval before I can be sealed to somebody else, and is it hard to get that approval from the first presidency?

A marriage (in time or eternity) has to include two willing participants.  If one wishes to leave, neither the laws of the land or God will hold them caged.  You agreed to the civil divorce, and God will not hold her caged in a relationship she does not want to be in.

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