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One of those days

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Ever have one of those days were you feel less than human and just hate being here? 

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I have had days where I think “what is the point” ...  I had a dark phase where I felt my pain could overtake me.  Even sleep wasn’t comforting because waking up was too much, facing reality. 

I did get help.  I’m sorry. ❤️

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It's really strange but I often think of just having myself put under a guillotine. Is that too graphic? But you need to understand that I have disease sentence hanging over my head in the version of the disease Alzheimer's. My mother contracted this as young as 62 when she showed the starting signs. So taking myself out of the picture before I get this is very much on my mind.

I do have mild depression as well that will rear it's ugly head and I think of the guillotine over and over, but am glad if I just stick it out I will see the light again, and think often of those that don't wait for that moment and end it far too soon. Thinking if only they would hold on for those better days, but my depression is very mild compared to those that get it and feel like they are in a deep dark abyss.

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My kids have been sick. I haven't slept for more than 3 hours at night in a week. My baby has a horrible ear incfection. One of the worst that her doctor has seen. Sleep wontons be coming for a while.  I need 7-9 hours of sleep.

      I feel grumpy and my house is messy and its all making me crazy. But hey what do you do when you have two littles that need to be on mom? 

I don't feel human or really nice right now.

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2 hours ago, cherryTreez said:

. Sleep wontons be coming for a while.  

Even your auto correct must be sleep deprived .😁

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48 minutes ago, strappinglad said:

Even your auto correct must be sleep deprived .😁

man, everything about me is sleep deprived. 😴

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10 hours ago, cherryTreez said:

My kids have been sick. I haven't slept for more than 3 hours at night in a week. My baby has a horrible ear incfection. One of the worst that her doctor has seen. Sleep wontons be coming for a while.  I need 7-9 hours of sleep.

      I feel grumpy and my house is messy and its all making me crazy. But hey what do you do when you have two littles that need to be on mom? 

I don't feel human or really nice right now.

Yeah, I would have snapped long ago, way to hold it together. 

14 hours ago, MustardSeed said:

I have had days where I think “what is the point” ...  I had a dark phase where I felt my pain could overtake me.  Even sleep wasn’t comforting because waking up was too much, facing reality. 

I did get help.  I’m sorry. ❤️

Help is difficult to get and with the way things are getting i'm becoming more and more reluctant, life is different when you don't have a support network.  That and hey, as a rule people are kinda scum.

12 hours ago, The Nehor said:

There are other kinds of days?

Days below ground?

11 hours ago, Tacenda said:

It's really strange but I often think of just having myself put under a guillotine. Is that too graphic? But you need to understand that I have disease sentence hanging over my head in the version of the disease Alzheimer's. My mother contracted this as young as 62 when she showed the starting signs. So taking myself out of the picture before I get this is very much on my mind.

I do have mild depression as well that will rear it's ugly head and I think of the guillotine over and over, but am glad if I just stick it out I will see the light again, and think often of those that don't wait for that moment and end it far too soon. Thinking if only they would hold on for those better days, but my depression is very mild compared to those that get it and feel like they are in a deep dark abyss.

So, yeah I've had to work with people who had Alzheimers, that and watch my mom fight cancer while my drunk violent father didn't care at all.  If I'm ever in that situation i'm euthanizing myself, screw that.

 

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13 hours ago, Tacenda said:

It's really strange but I often think of just having myself put under a guillotine. Is that too graphic? But you need to understand that I have disease sentence hanging over my head in the version of the disease Alzheimer's. My mother contracted this as young as 62 when she showed the starting signs. So taking myself out of the picture before I get this is very much on my mind.

I do have mild depression as well that will rear it's ugly head and I think of the guillotine over and over, but am glad if I just stick it out I will see the light again, and think often of those that don't wait for that moment and end it far too soon. Thinking if only they would hold on for those better days, but my depression is very mild compared to those that get it and feel like they are in a deep dark abyss.

Tacenda...

I will share here... I want to encourage you to hold on and seek to have the Spirit walk with you ... I, too, am terrified of dementia, particularly Alzheimer's... because I'm totally alone without husband or children to help me.  So I counseled with my bishop, asking what the spiritual ramifications would be for me if I decided to end my life if I experienced signs of dementia... He is a doctor, knows me well, and knows I was absolutely serious.  At my request he went higher, giving assurances that I was an intelligent, active sister, who was facing the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life and was seeking spiritual guidance...  He was told that he could only counsel me according to the Church's position on suicide, which is that suicide is a grievous sin.  However, Elder Ballard has addressed this in a little book titled "Suicide: Some Things We Know And Some We Do Not." While making it absolutely clear how grievous it is, he states that the Lord will not judge the person strictly by the act itself, but will look at that person's circumstances, and the degree of accountability at the time.  Elder Ballard's message is one of hope, and having faith in our Heavenly Father.  Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth.  (I have an extra copy of the little book... PM me if you would like it and I'll send it to you...)

As for myself, I have put my faith in the Lord... 

GG

Edited by Garden Girl
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7 hours ago, Garden Girl said:

Tacenda...

I will share here... I want to encourage you to hold on and seek to have the Spirit walk with you ... I, too, am terrified of dementia, particularly Alzheimer's... because I'm totally alone without husband or children to help me.  So I counseled with my bishop, asking what the spiritual ramifications would be for me if I decided to end my life if I experienced signs of dementia... He is a doctor, knows me well, and knows I was absolutely serious.  At my request he went higher, giving assurances that I was an intelligent, active sister, who was facing the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life and was seeking spiritual guidance...  He was told that he could only counsel me according to the Church's position on suicide, which is that suicide is a grievous sin.  However, Elder Ballard has addressed this in a little book titled "Suicide: Some Things We Know And Some We Do Not." While making it absolutely clear how grievous it is, he states that the Lord will not judge the person strictly by the act itself, but will look at that person's circumstances, and the degree of accountability at the time.  Elder Ballard's message is one of hope, and having faith in our Heavenly Father.  Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth.  (I have an extra copy of the little book... PM me if you would like it and I'll send it to you...)

As for myself, I have put my faith in the Lord... 

GG

GG, I don't want to offend you in any way by disagreeing that you will get Alzheimer's anytime soon. But to me, after meeting you as well, :) you will not be getting that disease. I'm again sorry if I offend, but I can tell these things, and you my pretty lady are so with the program!! I remember that talk by Elder Ballard too, thanks for the reminder, it helped immensely. And I remember something my dad told me after visiting my mom. He said "we put dogs out of their misery but not humans". And she was miserable. She lived with it for more than 10 years so that's a lot of time to be in torture. But I'm hoping my CBD oil will do the trick. Thanks for your post, means alot!

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9 hours ago, Garden Girl said:

Tacenda...

I will share here... I want to encourage you to hold on and seek to have the Spirit walk with you ... I, too, am terrified of dementia, particularly Alzheimer's... because I'm totally alone without husband or children to help me.  So I counseled with my bishop, asking what the spiritual ramifications would be for me if I decided to end my life if I experienced signs of dementia... He is a doctor, knows me well, and knows I was absolutely serious.  At my request he went higher, giving assurances that I was an intelligent, active sister, who was facing the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life and was seeking spiritual guidance...  He was told that he could only counsel me according to the Church's position on suicide, which is that suicide is a grievous sin.  However, Elder Ballard has addressed this in a little book titled "Suicide: Some Things We Know And Some We Do Not." While making it absolutely clear how grievous it is, he states that the Lord will not judge the person strictly by the act itself, but will look at that person's circumstances, and the degree of accountability at the time.  Elder Ballard's message is one of hope, and having faith in our Heavenly Father.  Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth.  (I have an extra copy of the little book... PM me if you would like it and I'll send it to you...)

As for myself, I have put my faith in the Lord... 

GG

This is also another reason why, despite liking the art and swag I could never be a Catholic, besides the discord they've caused over time it's the stance on suicide.  Life's miserable and short and as a rule people are awful, Like the idea of Jesus not being mean to someone who had gone through a hard time and couldn't take it anymore vs. the Catholic one who just condemned them to hell, even worse how cemeteries back in the day forbade suicides to be buried in "holy ground".  Something about the mormon, geez even the protestant take on Jesus vs the Catholic one, he's not angry and spiteful all the time.  Pic related, done by an LDS artist (Pretty sure), probably one of my favorite paintings of Jesus.  No judgement, no pompous anything just him sitting down, on the level with someone who's had a really bad time in life.  Never understood why religious people on a whole had such a hard time with such a simple concept.

lost.and_.foudnd.painting.greg_.olsen_.s

2 hours ago, Tacenda said:

GG, I don't want to offend you in any way by disagreeing that you will get Alzheimer's anytime soon. But to me, after meeting you as well, :) you will not be getting that disease. I'm again sorry if I offend, but I can tell these things, and you my pretty lady are so with the program!! I remember that talk by Elder Ballard too, thanks for the reminder, it helped immensely. And I remember something my dad told me after visiting my mom. He said "we put dogs out of their misery but not humans". And she was miserable. She lived with it for more than 10 years so that's a lot of time to be in torture. But I'm hoping my CBD oil will do the trick. Thanks for your post, means alot!

CBD oil is amazing, helps with anxiety.  After my exams i'm going to relax for a bit. 

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4 hours ago, Tacenda said:

GG, I don't want to offend you in any way by disagreeing that you will get Alzheimer's anytime soon. But to me, after meeting you as well, :) you will not be getting that disease. I'm again sorry if I offend, but I can tell these things, and you my pretty lady are so with the program!! I remember that talk by Elder Ballard too, thanks for the reminder, it helped immensely. And I remember something my dad told me after visiting my mom. He said "we put dogs out of their misery but not humans". And she was miserable. She lived with it for more than 10 years so that's a lot of time to be in torture. But I'm hoping my CBD oil will do the trick. Thanks for your post, means alot!

Thank you, Tacenda... I do hope you are correct about my chances... I'm 78 now, and so far so good... at least I think I'm good 😊...  I just want you to be at peace.   Elder Ballard ended by quoting one of my favorite scriptures... John 14:27..."Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Have courage...

GG

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