Need advice

[juliann]

1 hour ago, Maestrophil said:

Thank you all very much for your very good thoughts and especially for prayers!  

My wife spends a ton of time with my daughter, and they seem to really get on well - but my ex says that when she and my daughter are together that my daughter complains about my wife and I, church, rules etc.  I know my ex tells her that we are too strict, the church is too demanding, and that is why she left me and the church.  I feel so badly for my daughter being in such a situation.

My wife still is not speaking with me today.  But I still feel, like many of you have said, that causing a fuss over a one-time visit, potentially making my daughter feel awkward and resentful, and keeping her from her mom would not have been the wise or Christ-like choice.  I did speak to my ex wife, and she was angry too that I would presume to want her to notify us next time she plans on attending any activities with my daughter.  She went on about how my raising the kids in the church and with standards was hurting them etc. I stayed calm and explained to her my concern about our daughter's social needs at YW, and also how it would feel as a YW leader to have a parent you don't know show up uninvited to an activity (My ex was in YW presidency once).  She understood and started to calm down when she saw my concern was for our daughter.  She promised to let us know in the future before she attends anything like that, which is all I asked of her.  

I will trust the Lord to help smooth things out.  Thank you again for all your help.  I sometimes wish the church would address these situations that I am sure more and more members deal with with divorce so much more common now.  I don't begrudge the brethren for not making it a priority - but it sometimes feels like, for all my efforts, I am a misfit.

It sounds like you have it handled. Bless your wife for being so concerned and caring. When it comes down to it, however, aside from counseling with you, she has little to no standing when it comes to the relationship between a daughter and her mother.  I can't imagine how hard that must be when she is a caretaker but it is part of the price of step parenting.  

 

[Jeanne]

5 minutes ago, juliann said:

It sounds like you have it handled. Bless your wife for being so concerned and caring. When it comes down to it, however, aside from counseling with you, she has little to no standing when it comes to the relationship between a daughter and her mother.  I can't imagine how hard that must be when she is a caretaker but it is part of the price of step parenting.  

 

So true...it is hard!!

[rpn]

14 hours ago, Maestrophil said:

  Do you think I should’ve said something at the beginning and turn her mother away? ...

What authority do you have to turn your ex away?   (You might alert the youth leaders and the bishop that your ex has not in the passed been church supportive, and that you do not know why or how she has become involved.)

Besides, any attempt to do that would have put your daughter in the middle, in public, around her friends.   Of course you should not have done anything in that moment (with the possible exception of   "why didn't I think of that too?  Can I come  too."

[Maestrophil]

1 hour ago, rpn said:

What authority do you have to turn your ex away?   (You might alert the youth leaders and the bishop that your ex has not in the passed been church supportive, and that you do not know why or how she has become involved.)

Besides, any attempt to do that would have put your daughter in the middle, in public, around her friends.   Of course you should not have done anything in that moment (with the possible exception of   "why didn't I think of that too?  Can I come  too."

I agree - that is why I didn't act and upset my wife.  

[Guest]

On September 12, 2018 at 10:09 PM, Maestrophil said:

Sort of. I am the custodial parent so the ex should technically ask or at least notify me of a visit, which I will address.  The bigger question that I am asking here from a latter-daysaint perspective is, if she does ask in the future, is it ok to say no? Or should we try and be more inviting.  I don’t have fears that my wife does of badmouthing us or the church, and i feel is sends a potentially unchristian message to tell someone they are not welcome at an activity. 

It sounds like your ex-wife might be using Church activities to circumvent her visiting privileges, if so then you will have to address it. Especially if you ex-wife, is anti (any) Church as you said in the original OP. Also, you need to find a way to keep peace in your home, as your wife and you are her primary care givers, meaning, because it is your daughter you speak of, your wife is now becoming her mother, and feels as if she needs to protect her, rejoice at those! So, her anger is out of concern and love, not spite. Also, just explain to you ex-wife, that YW activities are for the YW, that Sacrament meetings would be more appropriate. I say Sacrament meetings, because from what you said, she won't come, and if she did, she would not be able to pour poison into your daughter's ear. Either way, my prayers are with you. Also, return to Church, this way you can stop her Mother abusing or circumventing anything. You said you are inactive, it would seem you and you wife are believers still, because you encourage your daughter to take part in YW's.  

To quote from scripture,

"And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren (you my brother) if you have experienced a change in your heart (meaning if you once believed), and if he have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now"?

From your comments, I was not sure if you were the "non-active" member, or your ex-wife. Either way the advice concerning her, is to explain that YW's is for the YW, and tell her if she is willing (so it does not seem unchristian, as you said) to come to Church on Sunday's. I doubt from what you are saying, she will not take you up on it. But this way, it would seem like you are telling her she is not welcome at Church. BTW, to keep peace in your family, after that, if she comes that one Sunday, then remind her to go to her own Ward. Good luck, I would not want to be in your shoes. Anyway, Love ya. 

[Maestrophil]

2 hours ago, Bill "Papa" Lee said:

It sounds like your ex-wife might be using Church activities to circumvent her visiting privileges, if so then you will have to address it. Especially if you ex-wife, is anti (any) Church as you said in the original OP. Also, you need to find a way to keep peace in your home, as your wife and you are her primary care givers, meaning, because it is your daughter you speak of, your wife is now becoming her mother, and feels as if she needs to protect her, rejoice at those! So, her anger is out of concern and love, not spite. Also, just explain to you ex-wife, that YW activities are for the YW, that Sacrament meetings would be more appropriate. I say Sacrament meetings, because from what you said, she won't come, and if she did, she would not be able to pour poison into your daughter's ear. Either way, my prayers are with you. Also, return to Church, this way you can stop her Mother abusing or circumventing anything. You said you are inactive, it would seem you and you wife are believers still, because you encourage your daughter to take part in YW's.  

To quote from scripture,

"And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren (you my brother) if you have experienced a change in your heart (meaning if you once believed), and if he have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now"?

From your comments, I was not sure if you were the "non-active" member, or your ex-wife. Either way the advice concerning her, is to explain that YW's is for the YW, and tell her if she is willing (so it does not seem unchristian, as you said) to come to Church on Sunday's. I doubt from what you are saying, she will not take you up on it. But this way, it would seem like you are telling her she is not welcome at Church. BTW, to keep peace in your family, after that, if she comes that one Sunday, then remind her to go to her own Ward. Good luck, I would not want to be in your shoes. Anyway, Love ya. 

Some very good advice!  Her mother (my-ex) is disfellowshipped and inactive.  My wife and I are quite happily active.  🙂  Love you too Bill!

[Guest]

6 hours ago, Maestrophil said:

Some very good advice!  Her mother (my-ex) is disfellowshipped and inactive.  My wife and I are quite happily active.  🙂  Love you too Bill!

Thanks, it would seemor you ex is trying to use Church YW, to circumvent her rights. So, don't worry about seeming unchristian, maybe you could get the YW's President to help explain to th Bishop, he could help, uawzaqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq 

?.  

Edited September 15, 2018 by Bill "Papa" Lee

[Calm]

5 minutes ago, Bill "Papa" Lee said:

Thanks, it would seem you ex is trying to use Church YW, to circumvent her rights. So, don't worry about seeming unchristian, maybe you could get the YW's President's to help explain this to her. 

Or she just might be trying to be there for her daughter.  My daughter begged me to attend YW with her.  Only way to get her to go even though the girls were very nice.  Having sat for years in YW barely speaking, feeling like an outsider (just personality differences, girls were quite nice to me), I was willing to put in the hours in hopes she would adapt.  She didn't, but I know everyone did their best, so no regrets.

Edited September 15, 2018 by Calm