katherine the great Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 OK, so, a MIL isn't accountable for controlling her emotions, and even if those emotions cause her to create problems that are 100% her fault, she's still guaranteed an apology? Always and forever when offended, no matter the reason, she gets the apology? Is that what you're saying? If so, I guess I respect women more, I think they can handle not being coddled.You seem to not have a good understanding of women. My guess is that you are still quite young and haven't dealt with many older people who are good-hearted but set in their ways. Trying to understand the sensitivities of others and seeking to rise above our own pride and weaknesses does more good than trying to prove we are right--especially in family matters.
Garden Girl Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I'll likely have to give myself a day or so to simmer down before addressing it.Hello Mudcat... I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough here to vent a little... you've received some good comments here, certainly worth considering. I lean toward your taking "the high road" because of your wife... and apologizing with something like this:I'm sorry (mil name) if I hurt your feelings or made you feel unwelcome. And you know we truly appreciate your help with son's homework, and all the things you do to help... but I was concerned about the lateness of the hour and son's being tired and needing his rest. It was apparent there was still much left to do, so I felt it best for son's sake to call it a night and let him get to bed.Something to that effect maintains your position (which actually was best) yet recognizes and acknowledges her help and contributions.Also, how do you know she isn't feeling just a little silly at this time because of her actions... surely she realizes the lateness of the hour and his becoming tired and coughing. And if you make the first effort, she will most likely will offer an apology also to the effect of... yes, I should have realized how late it was getting, etc...At any rate, there is a high road here and frankly I disappointed she doesn't take it herself... very disappointed. It is not the way we are taught we should be...Good luck... from the beach... GG 1
ERayR Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 OK, so, a MIL isn't accountable for controlling her emotions, and even if those emotions cause her to create problems that are 100% her fault, she's still guaranteed an apology? Always and forever when offended, no matter the reason, she gets the apology? Is that what you're saying? If so, I guess I respect women more, I think they can handle not being coddled.Pardon me but you are starting to appear obtuse. Of course MIL is accountable for her actions but not to you or me, thats above our pay grade.Again see Katherine's post above.
LT123 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Pardon me but you are starting to appear obtuse. Of course MIL is accountable for her actions but not to you or me, thats above our pay grade.Again see Katherine's post above.You responded to my statement that he shouldn't apologize because he did nothing wrong with: "Because it is his wifes mother. The only reason needed." I interpreted that as a universal claim of: by circumstance of being a MIL she gets an apology anytime she is upset. If that isn't what you meant, then I guess that's where things went off track.
LT123 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) You seem to not have a good understanding of women. My guess is that you are still quite young and haven't dealt with many older people who are good-hearted but set in their ways. Trying to understand the sensitivities of others and seeking to rise above our own pride and weaknesses does more good than trying to prove we are right--especially in family matters.According to the one who actually knows the MIL, there have been instances of emotional manipulation in the past. He senses that this is another one of those times. Based on his description of the events, he committed no sin. From that information, I figured he shouldn't apologize because 1) it reinforces manipulative behavior, 2) (which just occurred to me) an innocent apologizing is perpetuating a lie. Adults shouldn't interact that way.Now, by saying he shouldn't apologize does not entail a confrontation of "I'm right, you're wrong, and we are going to argue about this till you confess my greatness." I said he should talk to her, and share his appreciation for all her help. If both are willing they can work it out in an honest, kind, adult manner. Edited January 26, 2011 by LT123
TAO Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I was visiting this couple from our church who have been married for 65 years and asked him what the secret was. He said it was two words, "Yes Dear." Whom am I to say otherwise... I heard the six words were, "Honey I love you, yes dear!" XD. The six words that make everything turn =).
nicolasconnault Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I heard the six words were, "Honey I love you, yes dear!" XD. The six words that make everything turn =).The words that heal and strengthen relationships are not popular: http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/he-teaches-us-to-put-off-the-natural-man?lang=eng 1
TAO Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 The words that heal and strengthen relationships are not popular: http://lds.org/gener...al-man?lang=engThat is a great story =D.
Anijen Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Hey Mudcat, I've been there I can relate with you. Having said that KTG gives great advice. If it all was the MIL fault still give in. It is easier on your life. Apologize and it makes MIL and wife happy. A happy MIL and a happy wife is better than being right but keeping them upset. Yup I have been in both spots and have come to the albeit difficult conclusion that even if I am right life is easier and more peaceful when giving in. Take care buddy and I really hope your family gets feeling better, nothing seems fun when were sick... 1
oats Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 My experience is that it's still worth trying to help other people recognize their weaknesses, especially ones that impact the people around them.Sure, it's hard and they might pull out the victim card as soon as an ounce of constructive criticism spills. Just be patient and rise above the urge to get emotionally charged. We can assume people are set in their ways or we can treat them how we'd like to be treated if we had some glaring defiency or weakness. Most of the time I've seen that people can recognize their weaknesses and learn how to deal with them as they arise (though you need to be patient).Tell her it was a hard choice and bring up that she took on a victim mentality and see where that leads. If it happens again try again, once things are settled down. By that point you can tell if frank, open discussion helps out or if it drives a wedge. If it drives a wedge, assume they are set in their ways too deeply and do what Katherine says
Mudcat Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) Well Gang, I have read your posts throughout the day via the HTC Hero and have considered all the advice offered.I wanted to say thank you to all of you. I have literally gotten a bit teary that you all, who simply know me by just what I write from time to time here, would express such thoughtfulness and concern by taking the time to share your advice with me on the matter. The best we see of Christ, is oft times in the actions of others and I have seen Christ many times today.I love you guys and gals so much. Thank you, I feel blessed for your friendship.Not to leave a cliff hanger, let me tell you what I have decided to do.As I have been thinking about, I have wondered why my MIL has reacted so strongly to what doesn't seem to be an out of the way encounter. I suppose Kat the G's comments, shook me out of the immediate situation and gave me opportunity to take a look at the big picture. I don't feel I should dice up the background of it so I won't.I just need to let her know that I love her and I am sorry that I have hurt her.Sincerest Regards,Mudcat Edited January 26, 2011 by Mudcat 3
ERayR Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Well Gang, I have read your posts throughout the day via the HTC Hero and have considered all the advice offered.I wanted to say thank you to all of you. I have literally gotten a bit teary that you all, who simply know me by just what I write from time to time here, would express such thoughtfulness and concern by taking the time to share your advice with me on the matter. The best we see of Christ, is oft times in the actions of others and I have seen Christ many times today.I love you guys and gals so much. Thank you, I feel blessed for your friendship.Not to leave a cliff hanger, let me tell you what I have decided to do.As I have been thinking about, I have wondered why my MIL has reacted so strongly to what doesn't seem to be an out of the way encounter. I suppose Kat the G's comments, shook me out of the immediate situation and gave me opportunity to take a look at the big picture. I don't feel I should dice up the background of it so I won't.I just need to let her know that I love her and I am sorry that I have hurt her.Sincerest Regards,MudcatAnd that is why I know you are a remarkable Christian man. Now if I can only keep up with you.Thank you for your friendship.
Bill “Papa” Lee Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I was visiting this couple from our church who have been married for 65 years and asked him what the secret was. He said it was two words, "Yes Dear." Whom am I to say otherwise... This Sunday will be 35 years for me...
ERayR Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 This Sunday will be 35 years for me... You have a ways to go yet my young padawa learner. 51 years for me.
blueadept Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 You have a ways to go yet my young padawa learner. 51 years for me. Papa and you are inspirations for young folks to strive for. While we all have our Christ-like talents to show and share with others, I will admit to being jealous of yours.
Bill “Papa” Lee Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 You have a ways to go yet my young padawa learner. 51 years for me. Doubt I will live that long.
Mudcat Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) Just a followup.My MIL and I had an excellent conversation. I was pleasantly surprised that we actually wound up exchanging apologies. We had a nice open conversation about our relationship, some of our own personal failings and character flaws. I decided to go ahead and test out our newly patched up relationship and brought up a behavioral issue my daughter is having. The issue being, she is playing sick and has become and excellent actress. Typically, she goes through this, when she is leaving a place where she is getting more personal attention than the one she is going to. She is a very intelligent 8 year old and her exhibition of deception and manipulation needs to be addressed. It doesn't speak well for the development of her moral compass. Regardless, We spent about a half an hour discussing likely causes and what might be the best direction to handle things from.It was nice to stop being the two angry in-Laws and getting back on the same team . Since the issue seems to be wrapped up, I will probably close the thread around bedtime. Again, thanks for all the advice. I must confess, my main reason to close the thread is to test my "Contributor" powers . Kinda neat to be able to something you couldn't do before. Edited January 26, 2011 by Mudcat
Garden Girl Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I'm glad to hear this, Mudcat... I think your in-laws need to come to terms the way my folks did about my non-LDS hubby... they came to love him very much and realize what a good man he was, and how good and loving to me. My mom told me several times how she never had a worry about me (like she did my sister) because of my life with my dh. My mom used to call me Jean-McBean (nickname)... and I called my dh Ray-Ray to my mom and sis. So mom would address our mail... to Jean-McBean and Ray Ray... My folks were as TBM as they come, but they were able to look past their disappointment that I had married non-LDS and eventually embraced Ray with the love and good will he deserved. And he always was respectful of them and their faith.GG
Mudcat Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 I'm glad to hear this, Mudcat... I think your in-laws need to come to terms the way my folks did about my non-LDS hubby... they came to love him very much and realize what a good man he was, and how good and loving to me. My mom told me several times how she never had a worry about me (like she did my sister) because of my life with my dh. My mom used to call me Jean-McBean (nickname)... and I called my dh Ray-Ray to my mom and sis. So mom would address our mail... to Jean-McBean and Ray Ray... My folks were as TBM as they come, but they were able to look past their disappointment that I had married non-LDS and eventually embraced Ray with the love and good will he deserved. And he always was respectful of them and their faith.GGGG, It's great the way your folks were with Ray Ray. I have come to get that from most of the family, over time. I think it's required a bit of adaptation on all our parts. I don't want to paint myself in the best light, it wouldn't be right. You'll likely remember that when I came to the forum a few years back, I had a great number of issues with the LDS faith that my in laws and wife held. I could be regular son of a somethingoranother when I had the mind to. I am appreciative of posters like you, as well as many others, that gave me an opportunity to be such a person online. I have learned a lot over the course of it all. I have changed my mind on a thing or three and over the course of it all, my family has been overall positively impacted. My MIL is a special case though... I suppose. She is a very etiquette driven individual.. I imagine she has a number of mental rule books on how to deal with specific groups, individuals and so forth. She is a very categorical type of lady.Being as I am the only present in-Law, I suppose I get some sort special case treatment. I am hoping her three sons will eventually tie the knot. Some other in-Laws might take a bit of pressure off and give her a reason to amend the rules a bit.Regardless, things have a way of working themselves out and I imagine between her and myself things will be better.Love in Christ,MudcatBTW... tell Bob Cat hello and give him a scratch behind the ears for me.
Mudcat Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 (edited) I am about to close the thread.This is a rather cool experience for me..kinda scary too for some reason.Probably not as cool or scary as stepping on the Moon for the first time in all of recorded human history, but still cool nonetheless.........Newsflash, you have write why you closed the thread down, when you do. Dunno if what I write will show up, but I am going to write "Put a bow on this one." Like you do when finished wrapping up a present or something.I suppose that will be my equivalent of "Goodnight John Boy.".... curious to see if it makes print as well. Edited January 27, 2011 by Mudcat
Mudcat Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 Automatic generated messageThis topic has been closed by a moderator.Reason: Put a bow on this oneThank you,Mormon Dialogue & Discussion Board Staff
Mudcat Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 But what is really cool is that you can reopen the thing to if you wanted.
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