51 replies to this topic

[Mudcat]

I'll explain the situation a bit.

4 out of 5 Mudcats have the flu. Yours truly being the only that at present is unscathed. My MIL got a flu shot and seems immune also. We have been juggling about the care-giving for the sick ones.

It seems a nasty strain and the "Tamaflu" the Dr. has proscribed for all seems fairly useless. My oldest son (10) and our daughter ( have both missed a week of school, because of it. This Friday I went by the school to pickup homework, etc. for them, for them to work on if they improved. They were improving across the weekend.. a bit more energy and reduced fever.

Justine, my wife and Jon Christian our youngest son (21 mos.) had come down with it, despite flu shots, as we headed into the weekend.That being said, this Sunday, I missed church to stay home and look after everone.

My MIL had stopped by after services to drop off my Wife's prescription. I had cooked for the all and she ate a quick bite and left to cook for my FIL. She said she would come back shortly to help the kids get through their homework.

We started working with the kids on homework at about 5. I had assumed something had come up with my MIL. But, Justine got a call from her at 6:30pm saying she was on the way to help.

Well my MIL makes it there about 7 and takes over with my son. My wife was working with our daughter.

At that point I pickup with much needed to house cleaning.

Well, Justine finishes with our daughter at about 9 or so and sends her on to bed. Our son, being a bit older, had a considerably larger amount of of homework to do. Our son has a few learning issues as well... ADD, Dyslexia and a touch of undiagnosed Asperger's. He is a bit more of a challenge in regards to school because of such, and I was appreciative of my MIL assuming the responsibility. She is a former/retired teacher and does well with him on such things.

Now to the issue....

My MIL, like my Wife is a bit of a night owl. It was 10:45 PM and she was still working with my son on homework. Throughout the work, he was having long bouts of coughing that were growing more frequent and he still had a ways to go on his homework. Given all the coughing and  considering the fact that he was still up an hour and a quarter past bedtime, I had decided a few things:

1) He had been pushed further than he needed to be for the evening
2) Given what seemed to be a regression in his health he needed to go to bed
3) He wouldn't be attending school tomorrow.
4) The fact that my MIL was oblivious to all this was a bit aggravating to me

My MIL is a fairly sensitive person and I wanted to come up with the best way to get him in bed without stirring up a hornets nest. She had put in a good deal of time on him that evening and had gotten rather engrossed in the matter. I was fearful that her "project mode" would lead to another couple of hours at the grindstone, which wouldn't have been for anyone's betterment at that point.

I took the indirect approach. I told my son, "Kai it's past your bedtime, I'll give you 5 more minutes to work on you school work, then you have to go to bed."

My MIL seemed a bit exasperated, but seemed to take it in fair spirits. In 5 minutes I sent him to bed.

The explosive part of the issue

At that point, as my son began to head to bed, my MIL commented in an frustrated sense, "I can't get anything done."

This was the point, in which I became a bit angry. Her comment, though voiced loudly, was spoken to the floor rather than to me or my son. However, I certainly feel the direction of the exasperation was with me.

I took it as an inappropriate challenge to my judgment on the matter. This anger sort of welled in me a bit.

As she was leaving, I said to her.

"You know (MIL's name)I will tell you just like I would tell Justine. Pushing those kids past 10 isn't helping them."

I didn't use my "angry" voice but I am sure my rather flat and measured statement + tense body posture communicated the matter quite well.

She looked at me and replied, "I know."

Her body language was quite communicative of a similar emotion. If I happened to miss that, there was the following door slam that shook the house.

The quandary

Despite me thinking she would just get over it, she has expressed to my Wife how hurt she was. She has said, I don't like her, she doesn't feel welcome here and though she is happy to help at her home, she won't be coming over again... as she feels she is not wanted.

Even though, Justine agrees that my MIL shouldn't have been keeping him up so late and had she felt better would have resolved the situation with my MIL instead of going to sleep. Justine thinks I should apologize to her. But I dunno about that.

In truth, as I see it, my MIL has over reacted and this is typical behavior for her. Over the years, I have seen her use and abuse a "victim" mentality with her spouse and children. I have, until know, only been privy to such tactics.

For consideration on the topic. Throughout our almost 13 years of marriage, my MIL has hurled quite a number of hurtful statements my direction. For the record these statement were likely thoughtless, with no direct animosity intended. Usually something in regards to her 3 30ish sons. Something to the effect of.. "I wish this on or that one wasn't interested in Protestant girl X, he would be so much better off with an LDS girl."

Doubtless, she is oblivious to the shortage of LDS girls in our area nor the fact that if statement were taken in respect to her daughther, I am simply Protestant boy X. I have spoken to my Wife about it on occasion. She has expressed sympathy with me on the matter... "You know how my mom can be..." and that sort of thing. Yet she has never gone to bat with my MIL on the issue.  

But here I am, in this particular spot, feeling the way I do and being asked to apologize for what IMO was understandable anger.

Regardless, I likely have a plethora of options. But only  a couple come to mind.

Sounds simple enough to resolve, simply apologize. By doing so I gain peace with Justine and MIL. Well count that as option 1. But option 1, in my present thought, leaves me in the crux that all my in Laws are involved with, regarding my MIL. I have no wish to be in such a quandary.

Option 2: Let my MIL get over it. This is the more attractive option at the moment. Likely my wife will be torn betwixt understanding and bitterness of the situation till it subsides.

I am sure there are other options out there.

Well... I am sure the post was a rather long read and I am appreciative for those that have done so.... It has been a bit of a vent for me.

I have done my best to provide an unbiased course of events. But you know how stories go, so take it with a grain of salt.

What advice if any would you offer?

Kind Regards,

Mudcat

[bluebell]

Christ-like option-go to her, talk it out, express apology over the hurt feelings but not the comment, discuss ways to resolve, soft voice...etc.

Option i would be most likely to go with-let her get over it.

Good luck!

[TAO]

Ok.  First off, you should probably apologize.  That will earn cool points with your wife, which is always a good thing.  Even if it isn't really your fault, apologizing to your MIL is the best way to get through things, and sometimes it is necessary to be the one who does the right action first to get other people to do the right action as well =).

Second off, you need to invite her over after you apologize sometimes, so she realizes she is welcome.  This will smooth over the feelings, even though again, it's not your fault, you made the right decision, but it is the right thing to do.

Third off, I know it may be hard, but you are going to have to ignore her comments about 'should have married X'.  Yes, she is being rather rude by doing such, but you know, she's gonna have to own up to it eventually.  Do the good thing, and ignore it, forget the mistakes she has made, and maybe your good example will rub off on her.  Mairrage isn't a simple thing, nor will 'any LDS boy/girl' do, and as long as you know that (no need to say that, nor make your actions say that), it should be good enough.

Your gonna have to be the bigger person.  Tough - but hopefully it'll be worth it.  Forgive and forget, and we will all hope it blows over =).

Good luck.  

Edited by TAO, 24 January 2011 - 09:56 PM.

[blueadept]

While we've shared many similarities in regards to church and family dynamics, this isn't one of them since I've never dealt with a MIL in the picture.  Only you know your MIL's personality and what works best where both options are viable.  So my gut instinct would be to follow your wife's advice with the info as given.  There's something to be said for a happy wife when reviewing your options.

My 2 cents

[nicolasconnault]

Mudcat, the best advice you will get on this thread is likely to be the thoughts that came to you as you wrote your post.

That being said, make sure you look for opportunities to learn about the Saviour, my feelings are that this "quandary" is one of them.

[MorningStar]

I would apologize for getting angry and explain that I was scared for my son's health.  The flu is nothing to mess with and can leave you feeling exhausted for a month.  He needs his sleep.  In the future, let your wife deal with all conflict with her mother.  It is much easier for her to forgive her daughter.  My husband and I have an agreement that we will each handle our own relatives. Take her aside privately next time and say, "I need you to deal with your mom.  Our son needs to go to bed and I am feeling angry."  You must have been so tired from taking care of your family for so long and maybe your tone of voice was different than you think.  I know sometimes my words come out in a way I didn't intend.

Good luck, friend!  

Also, your local library or school might have tutoring available.  I would recommend checking into it, especially to catch up on everything that was missed.  I will never forget the two weeks straight we had someone vomiting in our family while I was on crutches.  Such a nightmare and my husband was in a terrible mood.  I felt helpless and could only help out by sitting on a chair next to the bathtub and washing the kids' hair.  As far as removing soiled bedding from the bunk bed and carrying it to the washing machine, that just wasn't possible.  We are all more likely to crack when under so much stress.

[Mudcat]

bluebell, on 24 January 2011 - 09:52 PM, said:

Christ-like option-go to her, talk it out, express apology over the hurt feelings but not the comment, discuss ways to resolve, soft voice...etc.

Option i would be most likely to go with-let her get over it.

Good luck!

Thanks for the advice Bluebell.

Though, I think some variation of your first option is what will transpire, I'll likely have to give myself a day or so to simmer down before addressing it.

[Mudcat]

TAO, on 24 January 2011 - 09:54 PM, said:

Ok.  First off, you should probably apologize.  That will earn cool points with your wife, which is always a good thing.  Even if it isn't really your fault, apologizing to your MIL is the best way to get through things, and sometimes it is necessary to be the one who does the right action first to get other people to do the right action as well =).

Second off, you need to invite her over after you apologize sometimes, so she realizes she is welcome.  This will smooth over the feelings, even though again, it's not your fault, you made the right decision, but it is the right thing to do.

Third off, I know it may be hard, but you are going to have to ignore her comments about 'should have married X'.  Yes, she is being rather rude by doing such, but you know, she's gonna have to own up to it eventually.  Do the good thing, and ignore it, forget the mistakes she has made, and maybe your good example will rub off on her.  Mairrage isn't a simple thing, nor will 'any LDS boy/girl' do, and as long as you know that (no need to say that, nor make your actions say that), it should be good enough.

Your gonna have to be the bigger person.  Tough - but hopefully it'll be worth it.  Forgive and forget, and we will all hope it blows over =).

Good luck.  

I suppose your point two is where I find my source of hurt on the issue TAO. Though I am not the most verbally expressive person, over the years I have done a lot for my MIL to let her know I appreciate her through gestures.

She enjoys my cooking, so I cook for her. I'm a fair carpenter, so if something gets in disrepair at her place, I repair it. She  has fibromyalga which flares up on occasion. Often times this will cause her housework to get backed up, so I will come by and catch her up on it. I try to give her good gifts when it can be done.

I am not saying all this to toot my own horn or something. Rather, I suppose what I find hurtful, is that my MIL has a number of reasons to understand that I do care about her. To me, for her to take what was said to her and determine that I don't like her, don't want her about and that sort of thing just seems to make all that a bit worthless.

I'm sure it'll all work out as it should.

I appreciate the advice TAO and the opportunity to vent. I appreciate you all listening while I got a bit of this off my chest.

[Mudcat]

blueadept, on 24 January 2011 - 10:18 PM, said:

While we've shared many similarities in regards to church and family dynamics, this isn't one of them since I've never dealt with a MIL in the picture.  Only you know your MIL's personality and what works best where both options are viable.  So my gut instinct would be to follow your wife's advice with the info as given.  There's something to be said for a happy wife when reviewing your options.

My 2 cents

Agreed.

Thanks for listening.

[Mudcat]

nicolasconnault, on 24 January 2011 - 11:17 PM, said:

Mudcat, the best advice you will get on this thread is likely to be the thoughts that came to you as you wrote your post.

That being said, make sure you look for opportunities to learn about the Saviour, my feelings are that this "quandary" is one of them.

Yeah I agree.

Thanks for listening Nicolas.

[Mudcat]

MorningStar, on 25 January 2011 - 01:16 AM, said:

I would apologize for getting angry and explain that I was scared for my son's health.  The flu is nothing to mess with and can leave you feeling exhausted for a month.  He needs his sleep.  In the future, let your wife deal with all conflict with her mother.  It is much easier for her to forgive her daughter.  My husband and I have an agreement that we will each handle our own relatives. Take her aside privately next time and say, "I need you to deal with your mom.  Our son needs to go to bed and I am feeling angry."  You must have been so tired from taking care of your family for so long and maybe your tone of voice was different than you think.  I know sometimes my words come out in a way I didn't intend.

Good luck, friend!  

Bingo MS! Bold mine. We try to do the same.

If Justine hadn't been conked out from the flu, this wouldn't have been an issue. In retrospect it would have been better to have gotten her back up and let her handle it. I'll try to remember that in the future.

This has certainly become a situation I wished I had avoided.

Thanks for listening.

[nicolasconnault]

Mudcat, on 25 January 2011 - 04:24 AM, said:

I suppose your point two is where I find my source of hurt on the issue TAO. Though I am not the most verbally expressive person, over the years I have done a lot for my MIL to let her know I appreciate her through gestures.

She enjoys my cooking, so I cook for her. I'm a fair carpenter, so if something gets in disrepair at her place, I repair it. She  has fibromyalga which flares up on occasion. Often times this will cause her housework to get backed up, so I will come by and catch her up on it. I try to give her good gifts when it can be done.

I am not saying all this to toot my own horn or something. Rather, I suppose what I find hurtful, is that my MIL has a number of reasons to understand that I do care about her. To me, for her to take what was said to her and determine that I don't like her, don't want her about and that sort of thing just seems to make all that a bit worthless.

It's not worthless, Mudcat. Relationships take a long time to build up, and sometimes a very small event can appear to threaten all that hard work. However, don't always take at face value what people say. When your MIL says she feels that you don't care for her, she may really be saying that your love and friendship are important to her, and she's afraid to lose them. The purpose of an apology would then not be to admit that you were wrong and she was right, but to recognise that what happened was hurtful to both of you, and that you don't want to let this threaten your relationship.

This may be difficult to express verbally, so you may find it easier to do it in writing. If your intent is sincere and genuine (you might want to keep checking this through introspection), she will eventually let down her guard and your relationship will be stronger than ever.

Relationships are not entirely captured by the "token economy" analogy. We are always evaluating the intent behind people's "deposits". It's important to remember that an action that the giver thinks is a good expression of love may not be perceived as such by the receiver. For example, my wife appreciates flowers much more than a back rub!

[Pa Pa]

In all situations…practice with me…to your wife “Yes Dear”. To your MIL “Yes Mama”. Problem solved! Man I am good.  

Edited by Pa Pa, 25 January 2011 - 05:31 AM.

[LT123]

Why would you apologize? You did nothing wrong, and the MIL is now playing a passive-aggressive manipulative game. If you apologize, it will only reinforce petty behavior. It isn't manly or christ-like to surrender to a silly game. Sure, talk to her, thank her for her help. But stand firm when you're clearly in the right.

[oats]

I deal with a family member that abuses the victim mentality often. Over the past few years I've simply talked to them during the cooling off period. I have to say some hard things but the effects are noticeable. Also, you have to do it with the best intents... not a problem for you!

It takes time, effort and patience for people to recognize their emotionally charged behaviour. I try to approach them in the near aftermath when things are still rolling in their heads but when they are cool enough to not reignite. I'm not sure if it's the best timing but it has seemed to work. They are still rolling over thoughts of the situation in their head so it gives them a chance to think about what you say. I think merely talking to someone while maintaining the best intentions is the best thing to do. Maybe it won't cool things down immediately but hopefully in the long run, if they are the least bit capable of recognizing their own behaviour, they will start to fix it or at least acknowledge it and figure out how to 'get over it' in a less destructive way.

I'm the king of awkward moments, harsh words and ill timed social cues, though. So filter what I say as needed

[ERayR]

LT123, on 25 January 2011 - 08:25 AM, said:

Why would you apologize? You did nothing wrong, and the MIL is now playing a passive-aggressive manipulative game. If you apologize, it will only reinforce petty behavior. It isn't manly or christ-like to surrender to a silly game. Sure, talk to her, thank her for her help. But stand firm when you're clearly in the right.

Because it is his wifes mother.  The only reason needed.

[bluebell]

ERayR, on 25 January 2011 - 08:38 AM, said:

Because it is his wifes mother.  The only reason needed.

And sometimes (not every situation but sometimes) you have to decide what you want more-to be happy or to be right.  

[LT123]

ERayR, on 25 January 2011 - 08:38 AM, said:

Because it is his wifes mother.  The only reason needed.

So, MIL's are always in the right, and all their emotions are pure? They couldn't possibly take offense at the unoffensive and use it as an opportunity to stir up contention? Suure. I see no reason to cater to the hyper-sensitive. But, to each his own.

Edited by LT123, 25 January 2011 - 08:58 AM.

[katherine the great]

Believe it or not Mudcat, your relationship with your MIL sounds pretty typical.  I've heard some pretty hairy MIL stories from people I would never suspect had psycho inlaws.  Your MIL just sounds like a typical post menopausal woman who wants to do good but lives in constant pain, is very sensitive and easily hurt.  I think the onus is on you to apologize whether you were in the wrong or not.  It will be better for you and better for her and better for your wife and better for your kids.  Everybody wins!  (but yes, wait until you cool off.)  Illness in the house is a very, very stressful situation for everyone and I'm sure she knows that.  Oh, and tell her you appreciate all her help.  Women like that!  

[ERayR]

LT123, on 25 January 2011 - 08:52 AM, said:

So, MIL's are always in the right, and all their emotions are pure? They couldn't possibly take offense at the unoffensive and use it as an opportunity to stir up contention? Suure. I see no reason to cater to the hyper-sensitive. But, to each his own.

You miss the point.  I did not say she was right.  It's not about being right.

See Katherine's post above.

Edited by ERayR, 25 January 2011 - 10:39 AM.